More details of Vleeptron Plan for Middle East Salaam/Shalom

Perhaps the Vleeptron Ministry of Clever Plans is getting ahead of itself, and something Pat's Pub mentioned en passant illuminates this.

For several years, the BBC was, by Order of HM Government, forbidden from broadcasting the voice of Sinn Fein's Gerry Adams. (Sinn Fein is the barely-legal Political Wing of the Irish Republican Army, which is slightly less than legal.) So whenever Gerry Adams would make a very newsworthy (and loud) speech, BBC would have to hire an actor to read Adams' actual words. If Adams had said, "Sod the Brits," the BBC would broadcast the actor reciting: "Sod the Brits."

It was a Very Obviously Silly and Ridiculous Rule. Throughout the BBC-watching world, ordinary people were saying, "HM Government are dumb as rocks. Maybe they're drunk."

Now the Government of Lebanon has ruled that all Lebanese who own televisions cannot see the Eurovision Song Contest because, for 5 minutes, Baruch & the Checkpoint Guards will be singing their beloved smash entry, "I Love Your Hair, I Love Your Eyes, I Love Your Uzi." (Vleeptron will try to find the lyrics for this wonderful song of young Israeli romance.)

Throughout Lebanon, ordinary people and Termites are saying, "Our government is dumb as rocks. Maybe they're drunk. The Israeli song might make us go blind and deaf instantly, but why can't we see the other wonderful 19 hours of the Eurovision contest?"

World Peace begins when ordinary people and Termites think: "Our government is dumb as rocks. Maybe they're drunk." (Beirut intellectuals have been thinking this for decades. Who cares? Who notices? What does it change? Who gives a flying fuck what intellectuals think?)

When too many ordinary people, in a democracy or a one-party totalitarian state, think "Our government is dumb as rocks, maybe they're drunk," the government changes. Or is forced, against its will, to do things which make it look a little smarter than rocks, and reasonably sober.

In this case, maybe the Lebanese Ministry of Asshats will grudgingly let Tele Liban broadcast next year's 5-minute Israeli piece of musical halvah. And for the first time, ordinary Lebanese Termites will get to see that ordinary Israelis are just as talentless and tasteless, and like to sing about the same Profound Issues, as Lebanese pop singers.

Two neighbor countries, few and ignored intellectuals, gazillions of Termites -- but maybe in 2006, the neighbors can peek over the fence for 5 minutes and see each other. The clown and clownette suits, the Fingernails-on-Blackboard songs and singing.

For a magical five minutes broadcast via satellite live from Athenai one year from now, Israel and Lebanon will see that their neighbors are just like them, just like us. This is Droog4's Silly Dream. This is how we do things on Vleeptron.

And from there ... maybe future historians can stop at The Fifty-Six Year War or the Fifty-Seven Year War. After the Armistice, Lebanon and Israel will attack one another by singing crappy pop songs to one another on TV.

That's the way most of Europe now wages war from Dublin to Brussels to Praha to Belgrade to Kiev to Istanbul.

Used to be different. Soldan & the Jannisaries. Wallenstein & His Standing Army. Napoleon & The Terror. Kaiser Wilhelm & The Western Front. Adolf & the Nazis. Joe Stalin & Zhukov. They couldn't sing pop songs worth shit. Terrible entertainers.

Such Weapons of Mass Kitsch SHOULD be outlawed by International Convention. But ... well, beats the shit out of bullets and bombs. (Israel has about 200 atomic fission bombs, but it's a secret. You didn't read it here on Vleeptron.) Let our e-mails to Achmet (who is not responsible) guide Lebanon and Israel to attack one another with Eurovision. The War That Nobody Has to Watch If It Makes Them Barf and Cringe.