Who put the Benzedrine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?

I have not had any lysergic acid diethylamide since the days of Acid Country music and since well before the Statute of Limitations expired. (The S in LSD stands for Sauer = Acid, this Fun Stuff was invented by Helvetians, obviously in a Schweitzerdeutsch canton.)

But somebody must have slipped some into my cheap American beer last night while I was watching my nightly broadcast of BBC World News, because I could swear I saw and heard the following.

The Iraqi government held a big, excited news conference in Baghdad yesterday to announce some Great News. The Iraqi Minister of Homeland Security, or the Chief of the Iraqi Secret Police Nouveau, announced to a roomful of international journalists that, although the Evil Terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is still not yet in custody in a prison cell in his boxer shorts, the Satanic Islamic fiend who hates Democracy and Coca-Cola and MTV has definitely been wounded.

REPORTER: (shouting in American or Brit accent) HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Up to that moment, the Minister at the podium had been grinning like the cat who swallowed the canary. He stopped grinning. He scowled. A dark cloud passed across his face.

MINISTER: (Very annoyed. Angry, actually.) I know. Because it's my job to know.

That's the Fun Part of being the Chief of the Secret Intelligence Directorate. You don't have to tell anybody nothing. Certainly not any goddam smart-mouth journalists.

Personally, I believe him. By now, Allied Coalition Military Forces have fired 43,991,822,614 lead and depleted uranium bullets at Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. It was statistically inevitable: At least one of them had to hit him in the ass someday. He was sipping a double iced frappucino in the brand-new Starbucks in downtown Baghdad (it's hot as hell there), one of his minions gave him the hand-jive signal that the Allied Coalition Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Strike Force was barrel-assing through the front door, he dashed out the back door, and just as he was jumping into the Fiat in the alley, a lucky bullet got him in the left buttock.

But the really wonderful news -- and only a guy whose Budweiser had been spiked with LSD could see it -- is that INSPECTOR JACQUES CLOUSEAU IS NOT DEAD!!! He did not die when Peter Sellers died. Master of disguise that he is, Clouseau has changed his identity, and is now the Chief of the Secret Intelligence Directorate of the new Iraqi government, and gives press conferences to announce Good News. How does he know it's Good News? None of your fucking business, Western Free Press Imbedded Boy. That's for me to know and you to guess.

I say Abu Musab al-Zarqawi may still be leading the terrorist insurgency in Iraq, but these days he's doing it with a depleted uranium bullet lodged in his ass, and sitting on a pillow when he's being driven to a new secret location in the Fiat.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not rooting for him. Clearly, from everything I've read and seen on Fox TV News about this Non-Christian Asian Fiend du Jour, he is Not a Nice Person. He might even be Evil. Like Kim Jong Il, or the Iranians. Or the stem-cell researchers. Or the people who make the Evolution Imax nature documentaries. Or the current leadership of the Girl Scouts, who have been brainwashing the little girls with stuff about Accepting Diversity, and AIDS and sex-education merit badges, instead of making them swear to be virgins until they get married. Or the verbally terrorist Israeli Jews and the verbally rude terrorist Palestinian Muslims who yelled at Mrs. Bush to go fuck herself and get off their Holy Religious Shrines. Or France, they're Evil. Or Bill Clinton. Or Hillary Clinton. Or George Clinton. Or De Witt Clinton. Or Cat Stevens. Or the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. And the Evil Hungarian-born Jewish Billionaire George Soros. Or Barbra Streisand. Evil, Evil. We must defeat Evil. Oh, and Massachusetts, where they let homos get married now, those judges are Evil. Oh, and Sadaam Hussein, he's Evil, but we fixed him and you can see him in his boxer shorts now. If you got any other Evil People I forgot, please leave a Comment.

But, in the spirit of the Hippocratic Oath and M*A*S*H and the Geneva Convention for the Treatment of Prisoners of War Who We Haven't Caught Yet, I wish to give some medical advice to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, in case Inspector Clouseau is right.

Seek medical treatment immediately. A bullet in your ass is no laughing matter. If it's lead, it's toxic, and you got to get it removed before blood poisoning sets in. If it's depleted uranium, ditto, but also it's got a little itty bit of ionizing radiation, and you could get cancer of the butt. That bullet's got to come out right away. Turn yourself in, guy, for your own good. And I know it can't be comfortable. You're probably in a lot of buttal pain.

I love this Iraqi Secret Intelligence Security Minister. I love this guy. He gives great press conference. He doesn't hold anything back.

One of Peter Sellers' first jobs was on a BBC radio show called The Goon Show. It was like Monty Python, whose members adored and were inspired by The Goon Show. It was Strange. And not shy about Sacred Cows.

One time, TGS had a Press Conference from the Chief of Scotland Yard a year after The Great Train Robbery, to report on the progress the investigation of the UK's biggest robbery ever was making. By that time, Scotland Yard had recovered £0 of the £19 gazillion that had been made to vanish from a mail train in the night, and Scotland Yard had martialed all its resources and promptly caught Nobody and put Nobody into goal.

REPORTER: Who do you think is responsible for the train robbery?

CHIEF, SCOTLAND YARD: Thieves. We strongly suspect thieves may have been involved. It has all the characteristic elements of the work of thieves.

REPORTER: Well, who is the mastermind behind this robbery?

CHIEF, SCOTLAND YARD: We prefer not to refer to this person as a "mastermind." It depresses the men. We have a special investigation code name for him. We refer to this person as "the Mindermast."

================

Who put LSD in my beer? Who put the Benzedrine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine? Well, anyway, at least Inspector Clouseau is on the case, fighting Evil, making the Middle East safe for Democracy, protecting the new Starbucks in downtown Baghdad.

Smart-mouth fucking imbedded reporter.

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Iraq official: al-Zarqawi wounded

Possible al-Zarqawi successors

Claims About Al-Zarqawi Suggest Confusion

Newsday Exclusive: Where is al-Zarqawi?
Dec 21, 2004

Newsday (USA New York City and suburban newspaper)
Friday 27 May 2005

BY MOHAMAD BAZZI
MIDDLE EAST CORRESPONDENT

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Islamic militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been badly wounded and his lieutenants are engaged in a power struggle over who would replace him if he dies, according to a senior Iraqi security official.

The two top contenders to succeed the Jordanian-born al-Zarqawi are Iraqis who served as military officers in Saddam Hussein's regime, said the official, who asked not to be named. If one of these men ascended to the leadership of al-Zarqawi's group, al-Qaida in Iraq, it would illustrate that the different strands of the Iraqi insurgency are melding together.

For months, some Iraqi security officials have argued that the insurgency is being driven more by former Baathists and members of Hussein's security services than by foreign Islamic militants such as al-Zarqawi. The Iraqi assessment contradicts that of many U.S. officials, who have focused heavily on al-Zarqawi.

For the first time Thursday, top Iraqi officials confirmed that al-Zarqawi had been wounded. "We are not sure whether he is dead or not, but we are sure that he is injured," Interior Minister Bayan Jabr told reporters in Baghdad.

Jabr and Defense Minister Saadoun al-Duleimi would not say where, when and how seriously the militant had been wounded. But the security official said al-Zarqawi sustained "severe injuries" during a recent U.S. offensive near the Iraqi-Syrian border.

The official said al-Zarqawi was likely a main target of the U.S. attack, dubbed Operation Matador, which lasted May 8-15 and focused on a mainly Sunni Muslim region around Qaim. On Tuesday, a Web site known as a clearinghouse for Islamic militants posted a statement saying al-Zarqawi had been wounded and urging Muslims to pray for his recovery.

"That Internet statement was a first step toward announcing his eventual death," said the Iraqi official.

Already, several of al-Zarqawi's deputies are jockeying to replace him, according to the official and reports in the Arabic press. The pan-Arab newspaper Al-Hayat reported Thursday that at least five associates were competing to lead al-Qaida in Iraq.

The paper said the two leading contenders are known by the noms de guerre Abu Maysara al-Iraqi and Abu al-Dardaa al-Iraqi. Abu Maysara is the propaganda chief of al-Qaida in Iraq, and he frequently signs Internet statements in the group's name. Abu al-Dardaa is the group's top military commander in Baghdad and surrounding areas.

The official said the two men began developing Islamic leanings during Hussein's "faith campaign" in the mid-1990s, which was intended to promote religious fervor in Iraqi society. The men also trained special forces units in the Iraqi military, according to the official.

In a sign of the competition within al-Zarqawi's group, the Web site that had announced his injury on Tuesday posted two contradictory statements Thursday about whether a deputy had been appointed to lead the group in his absence. The first posting said a Saudi militant named Abu Hafs al-Gerni would take control until al-Zarqawi's recovery. A few hours later, the site posted a statement signed by Abu Maysara denying that anyone had been appointed.

Al-Zarqawi, 37, has claimed responsibility -- or has been blamed by U.S. and Iraqi officials -- for a majority of the bloodiest suicide bombings, kidnappings and beheadings of foreigners in the past year. U.S. officials say al-Zarqawi is masterminding a terror network in Iraq at the behest of Osama bin Laden.

In July, U.S. officials raised the reward for information leading to al-Zarqawi's arrest or killing to $25 million, equal to the bounty on bin Laden's head. To some Iraqis, the U.S. focus on al-Zarqawi is part of a political strategy to portray the insurgency as driven by foreign militants.

Al-Zarqawi is wanted in Jordan in the killing of a U.S. diplomat and a foiled plot to bomb government buildings. He is believed to have slipped into Iraq in late 2001 or early 2002, possibly after having escaped from the U.S. bombing of Afghanistan. Al-Zarqawi reportedly worked with a group of militant Kurds in northern Iraq, an area that was outside Hussein's control.

Iraqi and U.S. forces have come close to capturing al-Zarqawi at least twice. The latest incident was on Feb. 20, when U.S. forces received a tip that al-Zarqawi was traveling to the city of Ramadi. Al-Zarqawi escaped, but U.S. troops captured his driver and one of his key lieutenants. They also found al-Zarqawi's laptop, which contained photos of him and information about his associates.

Copyright 2005 Newsday Inc.