News, Weather, Mozart, Sports, Eurovision Love Ænema & Perverted Videogames from Vleeptron

NGO_Vleeptron (aka "Bob from Massachusetts") recently featured LIVE on BBC WORLD SERVICE, heard briefly by Gazillions!!!

My Photo
Location: Great Boreal Deciduous Hardwood Forest, New England, United States

old dude, all hair, swell new teeth

23 May 2006

Vleeptron is trying to tell you why the M Word is REALLY important to YOU!

An Albanian valet (James Mason)
invites a destitute French aristocrat
with expensive tastes
(Danielle Darrieux)
to leave Turkey and join him
in his
new life in a mountainside
overlooking the harbor
of Rio de Janeiro.
Get real.
("5 Fingers" 1952)

i built a house inside a house
i bought a tiger to catch a mouse
disconnect my phone
i don't want to hear those poor folks moan
cause i'm rich

-- Geoff Muldaur

Okay I have important work to do today and tonight, so this must be brief (for me).

It has come to Vleeptron's attention that whenever it prints the word "math," or hints strongly toward that concept, about 99.2 percent of the readership immediately goes surfing for animated toon digital virtual pixel porn from Central Asia.

If you could send vomit over the Internet, the Comment Sewers Beneath Ciudad Vleeptron would be reeking of the stuff whenever we use the M Word.

So what can lure you into the Wonders & Delights, Charms, Mysteries, Satisfactions, Thrills & Magicke of the M Word?

How about raw greed?

The desire for sums of money greater than you could possibly spend in what remains of your lifetime, even if you are actually a Drunken Sailor reading this in an Internet Cafe in Yemen.

In Judy Tenuda's TV ads for the carbonated beverage Diet Doctor Pepper, she is carried all over town, recumbent with her accordian, sitting up on an elbow, in gorgeous silks, satins and gold jewelry, on a litter by six young male college athletes dressed identically, of a variety of heritages, all with enormous bulging muscles everywhere, and perfect teeth. That kind of Money.

Ah, the other M Word. Well, here is the Vleeptron Functional Concept Equivalency Equation (VFCEE):


In-ground swimming pool money. Hot tub money. Wooden deck. Travel to Ulan Bator on the train erste-klasse money. Sleeping compartment, bed, shower, little wooden table.

After stealing all the D-Day Secrets from the British Ambassador in Ankara, and selling them to the Third Reich, the Albanian-born spy called "Cicero," who was the Ambassador's valet, fled with his suitcase full of cash to a place he had seen just once before, when he was a cabin boy on a rusty nasty Balkans-registered freighter. From the harbor of Rio de Janeiro, he had looked up into the tropical mountains above the city and seen, a half-mile away, a beautiful house with a patio, and looking down over the harbor behind a stone balcony was a gentleman in an elegant formal white dinner jacket, holding a drink, watching the sun set. Cicero's first stop when he got to Rio the second time was the elegant formal white dinner jacket store, or a tailor who could cook one up to Cicero's shape and tastes by this evening around 8.

Patio overlooking the harbor money. Not Iqaluit Harbor. Rio. Samba every night money.

Math will put it into your suitcase. In cash, or some form nearly as liquid, but with a crisper Audit Trail. (The Germans had paid Cicero in counterfeit British pound notes. He had to give back the dinner jacket.) But it's LEGAL! Nothing fraudulent or criminal, at least on your end, all taxes pre-siphoned out of your suitcase by men in suits before you leap into the taxi for Schiphol.

In fact I am at this very instant using MATH (pls do not Puke A Comment) in a Scheme so that the next time you hear from Bob, he will be wallowing around in U$18,000,000 or thereabouts and making phone calls to see about Airport limos.

(Latin American cocaine entrepreuneurs are rumored not to count the cash, but just to weigh it in big plastic trash bags, and that's a sufficient tally of cash assets to keep staying in business very profitably, whereas counting cash is a very slow and labor-expensive procedure, it just gets in the way of raw fast profit. Counting is less necessary than weighing.)

Yes, my dear friends, soon Vleeptron may cease forever. I am on my way to play 3 tickets in tonight's drawing of the Massachusetts (actually many states join hands on this particularly game) Mega Millions state lottery game. And after Twynki :-) has picked the six ping-pong balls at 23:10 tonite in front of a live and TV audience, I will have much to do -- the hickory deck to sketch, the phone calls to the Ambassade on the Herrengraacht, and the Savoy. No time for the blog. No time for almost all of you, unless you're about as rich as or richer than I am about to be.


a. Pick 5 integers from 1 to 56
b. Pick 1 integer from 1 to 46
c. To play again, go to (a.)
d. For each ticket, pay clerk $1 before 20:00
e. Watch Twynki pick the ping-pong balls on Boston Channel 5 at 23:10

It's as easy as that -- buying the tickets is as easy as that.

Winning the $18,000,000 -- that's the Big Secret Math Thing. And I know the Secret(s). Maybe I'll tell You, after I get the new house in Rio in shape and find a reliable .br Internet Service Provider.

Yacht. (Just renting, 2 weeks at a time, January in the Caribbean.)

And MATH(s) will have made it all happen.

More of the Specific Mathematical Details and Equations later. Watch This Space. Wish me luck! Leave A Comment.

P.S. The $18,000,000 will be paid me in annual installments for the next 20 years. But if I want, I can just take one Lump Sum, I think you get a check for about $6,700,000, and then it's off to Schiphol.


Blogger dusty said...

Good luck dude.If you never post again, It would be safe to assume you won?

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

Hmmm I think the drawing is Right Now, but we don't get Boston Channel 5 on our cable, so I can't watch the Ping-Pong Ball thing. But I guess they'll post the numbers on the website in a few minutes.

Also I want a new Triumph motorcycle. I don't know if I want the retro '70 Bonneville, or the new ultrahitek Crotch Rocket that Barb Wire rode in the movie.

Blogger Jim Olson said...

Can we assume you did not win?

I've posted latin on my blog...

Do fidem me nullum librum vel instrumentum aliamve quam rem ad bibliothecam pertinentem, vel ibi custodiae causa depositam, aut e bibliotheca sublaturum esse, aut foedaturum deformaturum aliove quo modo laesurum; item neque ignem nec flammam in bibliothecam inlaturum vel in ea accensurum, neque fumo nicotiano aliove quovis ibi usurum; item promitto me omnes leges ad bibliothecam Bodleianam attinentes semper observaturum esse.

I had to pledge this before they would let me use the Bodleian Library.


Blogger Bob Merkin said...

No you CANNOT assume I did not win. You have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to assume I did not win. In fact the only clue is that I haven't posted anything all day -- which would lead a Logical Person to conclude that I was on my way to Logan Airport, or removing my shoes at the security gate.

However, thanks for asking.

THE BAD NEWS: I did not win.

THE GOOD NEWS: Nobody else won, either. So the $18,000,000 rolls over to the next drawing (Friday) and accumulates ... here, the Mega Millions site says it best:

$27 Million Estimated Jackpot
($15.2 Million Estimated Preliminary Cash Option)

Laugh all you want, but Bob's Secrets of Lottery Math are destined to grab that sucker Friday, and All Laughter Will Cease. Meanwhile I am windowshopping for a white formal dinner jacket. I'll settle for Off-The-Rack. I'm not into Foolish Spending.

Whaddya think? Should I take the modest annual payout for the next 20 years, or grab the one-time bag of loot and run like hell?

Blogger Jim Olson said...

I shall be pleasantly surprised when you win.

Meanwhile, what do you plan to do with a white dinner jacket in Northampton? I do not remember any place in Noho that requires that particular dress for admission to the dining room. Even Mortons in Boston only requires black dinner jacket on Friday evenings.

Blogger Jim Olson said...

Another thought...

You and Your Beloved could Fly To Helsinki next year for Eurovision. It's only about a four hour flight direct from Boston to Helsinki.

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

actually northampton used to have just such a restaurant, across Main Street from First Churches, called Beardley's. (Use your Gift of Vision to imagine the decor, which, of course, had been out of copyright protection since 1951.)

Okay, so you didn't have to Dress for Dinner, but the maitre might have halted gentlemen and handed them a House Necktie.

Anyway, the Prices were Strictly Formal, certainly the priciest menu Northampton ever attempted. Also as a gimmick their last 4 years, a big-ass white stretch limo would fetch you from home to the restaurant and then home again jiggety-jog. You know, with a long-stemmed red rose on the back seat, and a liveried chauffeur named Mike what held the door for the patrons. Strictly First Classe, in italics.

The food -- eh. You weren't there for the duck anyway. You were there for the magnificent open-flame oak and brass Ambiance, and you were there To Be Seen in the company of many of our leading attorneys and small-business owners and real estate developers. The Gazette had frequent gossipy paragraphs about Who had been seen the night before dining at Beardsley's. And you, it was your birthday or anniversary or something.

The guy managed to keep this Edible Theatre going, and keeping perhaps a staff of 20, regularly employed for 15 or 20 years, in the priciest retail sidewalk rental space in town. Many college and uni students draped a white towel over their forearms and hosed down some Meaty tips for years.

It all came out after its End Times. When he opened the place, he was just an occasional sports gambler and cocaine user, like you, me and Aunt Maudie. But as the Pure Food & Candlelit Ambience Scam ceased to shore up the Bottom Line, he began diversifying professionally into bookmaking and retail cocaine distribution. The last two years at Beardsley's, Beardley's was a Party. Tons of cash flowing in and out the kitchen door, not a penny of it taxed by any government.

And this just across the street from where Jonathan Edwards preached. This kind of Hanky Panky, this kind of Affengesselschaft. Oh, did I mention that there was a lot of Sex involved? I myself do not personally know if there was any Sex going on in a situation like that. But every time I have been in a situation like that, there was a lot of Sex going on. (In particular, a Music Club on Connecticut Ave in DC for 8 years -- whoo whoo!)

Jail, or Prison, shortly followed. Beardsley's -- oh 2 or 3 doors down Main Street from Thornes -- is just a not particularly tasty memory.

And the Ambience sucked. I guess I ate there twice. It was somebody's birthday or something.

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

Okay here is the deal of why i am so hung up on Eurovision Song Contest. I had staggered totally exhausted to my hotel room in Aberdeen Scotland, this was on Bob's 1st Unsupervised Euro-Backpack-Tour and there was this TV and I clicked it on and holy shit what the hell was that? it flew directly thru my eyes and ears and seared my brain instantly and forever. There had never ever been any sludge on American TV to compare with this GlitterSludge.

So I would be THRILLED to do a Eurovision Song Contest Holiday in Helsinki -- a city i visited once by accident, and was quite charmed by. And it has the surviving 1 or 2 members of Hanoi Rocks.

Ask Bob about Helsinki! And Tallin ("the cesspool of the Baltic," as one Finnish person called it)!


Post a Comment

<< Home