the Topic which dare not speak its name; Up from the Fœtid Comment Sewers deep beneath C.V.

This is not Trebuchet Large. If you think you know what this is, leave a Comment.

If you are Hip, you've read all this before and are listening to le Hot Club du France. Pretend the standard Gravity Field, Leap now, pretend first NEW THING is the sidewalk. Nearest Medical Facility: 77 Whistful Vista, WelfareTown, Ciuidad Vleep(tron) (follow H signs), Facility Re-Certified for Treatment of Pretend Trauma (TPT)

If you are from the Boondocks (Malay, Tagalog (?) bunduk, a very remote region of the Rain Forest, cell phone Dead Zone Index: Bigtime, Irridium Phone Only, Mil-Spec AAAs advised), read as you scroll, eventually you will reach what we Hip Large Urban Center People call a NEW THING, but it will be All NEW to You, Bunduk Boy. What are you listening to?

***************

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8 Comments -Show Original Post Collapse comments

DespicableTeacher said...

She has a tattoo which reads Twin Peaks??' ( lousy attempt I know)

6:45 AM
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Bob Merkin said...

Neither pizza nor non-edible other thing for you. I have a tattoo of a dragon on my right bicep. It hurt a lot and I fainted in the chair but the tattooist kept on carving anyway and when I came to, he said, "Have a nice trip?"

9:14 AM
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Mamagiggle
Mamagiggle said...

geez, I wonder if she bleached her buttonhole?
I didn't say that out loud did I?

9:35 AM
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DespicableTeacher said...

Despicableteacher is now going to give BOB an assignment: it is worth a linguiça, morcela de arroz or morcela de sangue, alheira, farinheira or chouriço, your pick!
I want you to give us the name of the most important divinity in the land once known as Lusitania, and specifically how this entity was worshipped.

have a good google-trip :)

( hint: this ocurred to me after reading your post on Brazil :)

9:58 AM
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DespicableTeacher said...

This is scary!!!



Kabbalist Blesses Jones: Now´s the Time to Find Holy Lost Ark
14:03 May 20, '05 / 11 Iyar 5765


An unnamed Kabbalist has granted blessing to famed archeologist Dr. Vendyl Jones to uncover the Holy Ark of the Covenant. Jones plans to excavate the Lost Ark by the Tisha B’Av Fast this summer.

3:05 PM
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Bob Merkin said...

Vendyl Jones!!! Another rare sighting of legendary archeologist Vendyl Jones! I saw all the Vendyl Jones movies! "Vendyl Jones and the Garage Door of Death" -- oh man, that was my FAVORITE -- when that Garage Door came down the first time I saw it -- I absolutely wet myself in Theatre 31 of the Quadruplex-PolyCinema-MultiOdeon 44. Then there was "Vendyl Jones -- this was the one the American Heritage Girls complained about a lot -- "and the Haunted Pickle Factory in Deerfield MA." Whoa. Sometimes when I dream about that one, I think maybe the Heritage Girls were right. And we're talking 31 years ago!

But finally, the Cherry on Top, the fin-du-siecle, the Sine Qua Non, the cheap Macau Mother of All Cherry Bombs: "Vindyl Jones Has Only One Shoe." That was fucking brilliant! I don't know why it only played at the Pleasant Street Arte Euro Sophisticated Auteur Theatre Noire in Atelier #2 at midnight. I still don't understand why it wasn't lines around the Quadruplex-PolyCinema-MultiOdeon 44 for a year. People are dopes.

Anyway isn't this thread about buttonhole bleaching? Let's stick to the topic, people.

If you refuse to stay on-topic I will pour 1 litre of old motor oil on you and send you to Cleveland for a week. 2nd prize: 2 weeks in Cleveland. 3rd prize: 3 weeks in Singapore or Seoul, your choice.

On topic, people. Let's get lots more buttonhole-bleaching posts here. One is not enough.

Can you say it out loud again?

6:39 PM
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Bob Merkin said...

I'm sorry I had a hissy-fit about the topic. Talk about whatever you want. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw the Great Parallelopiped?

6:47 PM
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Bob Merkin said...

But button-hole bleaching preferred.

6:47 PM
Delete


If you follow this rumor backwards, trace it to its source, they say it all started here, with this Internet gossip column. I'll identify and credit the gossip columnist in the Comment Sewers later.

* * * * * * *

Turn Your Stomach

Before I get into the double servings of dinner party goodies I've come across, let me fill you in on something that will surely ruin your appetite -- that is, unless you're Hannibal Lecter.

I have sources all over the city. I enjoy knowing people at all levels. I don't discriminate on that score -- in fact, if a source is wearing a uniform instead of a suit, the gossip is often juicier. Not that I would call what you're about to read saliva-inducing ...

Boyle

It involves Lara Flynn Boyle and what she has allegedly done to her privates.

Let's see. We've covered bikini waxing, tattoos in the bikini area, even jewelry down below. But to the following territory, I don't think we've ever ventured.

Let's take a short trip over to the depths of the back end, where I hear more than a few (female) celebs are having Michael Jackson-esque work done.

Including Lara.

Specifically? Well, it doesn't involve just shaving, it doesn't involve shaping, it does require the use of ... bleach. To get rid of skin tones there that so offend the pigment-obsessed.

Apparently, all the girls in Hollywood are doing it. And, I'm sorry, I know I have no taste, but those tasteless details are as detailed as I'm going to get.

Besides, you can do the rest. I know you can -- you've been reading this column long enough.

* * * * * *

WHAT DID HE NOT WANT TO SAY
WHAT HE HEARD SHE DID?
WHAT DOES HE NOT SAY
ALL THE FEMALE STARS ARE DOING?
WHAT IS IT?
IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE TWO
BEST-KNOWN GENDERS
AND YOU HAD LOTS OF MONEY
ON SOMEONE ELSE'S CREDIT CARD
WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
OR IF YOUR SIBLING STOLE
THE CREDIT CARD
WOULD HE/SHE DO IT?

First Comment with correct answer who still wants to eat anything gets one slice of pizza with guaranteed non-Elfenau mushrooms, mushrooms guaranteed commercially grown in huge caves in Pennsylvania. If you lose your appetite forever, if even medical marijuana fails -- it's legal on Vleeptron! -- we'll think of something non-edible equivalent to a slice of pizza with mushrooms. You can also nominate a Vleeptron Equivalency Prize for winners who never want to eat again.

posted by Bob Merkin at 9:25 AM on Jun 10 2005
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*************

NEW THING

Okay okay I think it's time to identify and credit the source whom most scholars agree was the genesis of this Authentic Rumor. If it turns out he is not the source of this Authentic Rumor, we will hire a credit-card debt dunning cubicle forest to find him and take the credit away from him again. We will get our credit back. These people are very practiced in this.

http://www.eonline.com/Gossip/Awful/cauth/Archive2000/000427b.html
ted casablanca's the awful truth
gossip - the awful truth
dish, dirt & juicy bits April 27, 2000
For now, E! gets the credit.

IT'S SAFE TO POST YOUR NEW THINGS HERE NOW.

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VLEEPTRON says: Hello Ramanujan Institute!)

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PLEASE POST NEW THINGS HERE
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