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NGO_Vleeptron (aka "Bob from Massachusetts") recently featured LIVE on BBC WORLD SERVICE, heard briefly by Gazillions!!!

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Location: Great Boreal Deciduous Hardwood Forest, New England, United States

old dude, all hair, swell new teeth

24 August 2005

Bob heaps effusive praise & gratitude on Elmer for his savage prowess

What humans say to a cat
when the humans are sure
no other humans are listening

Elmer! Wow! That's astonishing! Honey! Come quick! Come see what Elmer just dragged right onto the middle of the living room carpet!

Oh my goodness, that just looks So Delicious! The rear half of a fully-grown wild rabbit! Boy, he must have been Really Hard to catch -- those wild rabbits are FAST! That's just amazing! How do you do it? I know I could never catch a rabbit!

And that haunch -- oh, you saved us the meatiest, best part! I'm hungry already -- we're CERTAINLY going to have this for dinner tonight! Ah -- shall we eat it raw, just like it is? Or with shallots, grilled, with shallots, garlic and a white wine! Over Basmati rice! No! Over WILD rice! Oh what a night this will be, what a feast!

meanwhile SWMBO is sneaking around behind Elmer with a paper bag and a broom and a dustpan. he can be distracted pretty easily after a Major Kill, and he knows when he's dragged back Something Special, he makes a special shriek, a banshee howl, just like Tarzan after he's killed Something or Someone Big and Hard to Kill. Then he gets really stupid during the big Encomium Festival of Effusive Praise, Gratitude & Admiration from the Humans (who so often take him for granted)

and then suddenly, right in the middle of a "That's Really Spectacular! You are such an Amazing Cat!" he looks around and -- IT'S GONE! THE CARCASS HAS VANISHED! He panics! What can have happened to the Wonderful Dinner he just murdered in the bushes especially for his beloved humans???

Oh. It is just now dawning on me that some of you like Cats. You want Cat Stuph? I give you Cat Stuff. I give you Bubba Sans Elmer Elevator the Maine Coon stuff. I give you Priscilla stuff, Priscilla the hardscrabble Shelter Veteran issues easily rattled and triggered cat, don't get your hand too close, and she doesn't like to be petted like -- whoops! Sorry, I think we have some bandaids, maybe Iodine too. And Happy Happy Joy Joy Benedict Spinoza Benny stuff.

And Charlotte Temple Scarlet the Screaming Meezer stuff. We got Charlotte-Scarlet by Surprise! A generous thoughtful Providence who enjoys Practical Jokes gave her to us! Been three years now. It's like living with Ethel Merman. It's like living with Maria Calas, on days when nothing's going right -- like living with a Perpetually Unhappy coloratura soprano. It's like living with Darlene Edwards, but without the sense of humor.


Anonymous Jim Olson said...

Ah yes, the cry of the distraught siamese.

Diva (my purebred seal-point siamese) is quite talkative as well...with a full vocabulary of chirps, purrs, wails, meows, growls, hisses etc.

It is a little difficult to translate however, since her "there's a bug on the livingroom floor" meow is virtually indistinguishable from her "i want to be petted" meow, from her "the front of the house is on fire and Oberon is trapped" meow. All of them are piercingly loud, especially when she emits them at three in the morning standing on my chest.

But alas, my siamese is also a lover of people. All people. She is, in this regard, very unsiamese. She must be in contact with a human being at all times. Lap, chest, shoulder, doesn't matter to her.

Currently, she is laying across my arms as I type.


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