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18 August 2005

Gargoyles, and Important Advice

Please forgive me for not posting much recently.

Do you like excuses? Some of my favorites that I have used in the past have been

* Pirates tied me up

* Our home was attacked by marauding savages and we barely escaped with our lives (that actually used to happen a lot in my neighborhood, but not too much recently)

But of course the invention and dissemination of personal computers has opened up a wonderful new excuse for human beings: Blame it all on computer troubles! Crappy free software! A virus! A worm! A download that made things worse than they were when you clicked: DOWNLOAD EMERGENCY REPAIR PATCH FOR WINDOWS NOW.

Groucho Marx once ended a letter to a friend:

"I meant to include a check to pay you back the $200 I owe you, but I see I have already sealed the envelope."

Actually the reason I have been a lousy Blogger lately is that I am deeply and profoundly Depressed and Angry about a variety of Things, which I promise I will write about very shortly. I sincerely hope these Things will be of some interest to the Blogosphere. (Meanwhile, please feel free to Leave A Comment or send me Fun Things to Make Bob Happy.)

Meanwhile here are some Gargoyles from Oxford University in England. Gargoyles are rain drainspouts, here on ancient university buildings, but most famously on ancient European cathedrals. I shall have more to say about them, but for now, some very important advice to you all.

After many centuries of nasty weather, Gargoyles eventually wear out and have to be replaced. So new and original Gargoyles are always being sculpted out of stone and placed on cathedrals and university buildings.

The modern sculptors do exactly what the ancient sculptors did: They very often choose as subjects famous people of today, or famous persons of their own town -- clergy or well-known public officials. Or just a neighbor they know.

IF THE SCULPTOR LIKES YOU, if you are a pretty girl who once smiled at him, or if you once did him a tiny little favor, the Sculptor will make your Gargoyle handsome and beautiful, dignified, reverent, reflecting Virtue & High Character. So for the next One Thousand Years, long after everyone forgets who the hell you ever were, they can still gaze upward and see your beautiful, youthful, handsome, dignified visage and know only that while you lived, you just must have been a fine, fine spiritually advanced Credit to your Nation and Community, and just drop-dead gorgeous.

IF YOU PISS OFF A SCULPTOR -- maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning, and maybe you didn't even know that the fellow you insulted or snarled at or sold a crappy sandwich to was a Sculptor -- the Sculptor will go back to his studio and spend a Happy Week carving You into stone -- with a nasty, foul, ugly face, a nasty, ugly scowl, zits all over your sallow stone skin, big silly ears, a big bulbous nose, and a weak chin indicative of your Lack of Virtue & Character.

You thought you were a Judge or a Bishop or a Prince.

The Sculptor thinks you rather more resemble a Dirty Clown.

And that's the Face which you will show the world for the next One Thousand Years, as rain drains out of your ugly mouth.


Blogger Sarah Scott said...

After a long day of doing insurance work, it's pleasant to read the work of a gargoyle aficionado. Tired. Back hurts. Younger sister is coming over to help 'clear' the clutter prior to daughter's visit. Is this a life?



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