I'm leavin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again
MERDA! Well, my bags were packed, I was ready to go, I was standin' here, beside the door ... but when I told SWMBO I was on my way to Europe to retrieve a luggage filled with U$12,000,000 (€ 9510981.57), she called me some really unpleasant names which have Hurt My Self-Esteem, and SHE WOULDN'T LET ME GO!!!!
I was gonna share the U$12,000,000 with her! She's my wife! I love her! I was gonna buy her a new washing machine! Ours is real old and ... well, never mind.
Will one of you PLEASE retrieve this luggage??? If you will PROMISE to send me a percentage of the U$12,000,000 for tipping you off to this, I will send you the return e-mail address of the widow whom terrible historical circumstances (you guys know how much I hate these horrible wars) have prevented from retrieving the luggage.
Anyway, after you retrieve the luggage and send me my share, I am NOT going to tell SWMBO, and I am NOT buying her a new washing machine. Hahaha. I will spend all my share on ... uhhhh ... a NEW TRIUMPH MOTORCYCLE! Hahahahaha!
Dear friend
I got your email address from the Internet and please do
not feel bad about this message more especially as I am
from Iraq. I am a widow of one of the former senior
managers of the Iraqi State Oil Organisation in charge
of the United Nations Oil-For-Food Programme.
My Husband and three of our four children were killed
in the U.S. led military campaign during this crises
period leaving my little daughter. Before the dead
of my husband, he reveals to me that he deposited a
luggage containing 12 million US dollars as family
valuables with a local security company here in Baghdad.
What I want is that I need you to help me
receive this luggage when it arrive Europe.
The security company has agreed to help transfer
the luggage to Europe and that I need somebody
to receive it for me since I am not free to travel now.
Please note that this doesn’t involve any risk.
All I need from you is honesty and a promise
not to betray me after you receive the luggage.
Please note that I have decided to take this risk
because the new Iraq government is investigating
all the managers that work at the oil for food
program and I stand to lose the entire fund if I
don’t relocate them.
Note that for security reason, I will not disclose
my identity until you respond to this mail. I look
forward to hear from you soon and I will provide
you with more details.
Thank you.
posted by Vleeptron Dude | 13:44
7 Comments:
$12,000,000??! And all she needs is $3000 to buy my plane ticket? I'm in.
Learn from my bitter experience. Go completely alone. DO NOT TELL ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU WHERE YOU ARE GOING AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. Play it all real close to the chest. I know I can trust you to give me my share. This should be a really cool adventure for you. I will send you the widow's e-mail addie under separate cover.
she also needs English lessons desperately, if she pays well, I'm in :)
Crusader from British Columbia, Canada, meet DespicableTeacher from Lisboa, Portugal. I am So Damn Sorry I can't go along with you, but I wish you both a wonderful and enriching adventure. Bring me back a snow globe from the airport gift shop (and my percentage).
Vleeptron will have more to say about these curious letters soon. But for now ... look, let's face it. You get an offer like this from Iraq, or Bosnia, or Sudan ... wouldn't you be suspicious if its English were perfect?
There is an Art to Bad Language. Everyone who visits Vleeptron laughs at my Microwave French and my Eisenbahnundwurstdeutsches. But the Lochen will end when I scream past you on my brand-new Triumph Retro Bonneville Twin Carburetor 650cc motorcycle (the one Lou Diamond Philips rode in "Wolf Lake" -- and here's more advice: Don't fall in love with a werewolf. These mixed marriages just never end well. The full moon comes around every 28 days, just like clockwork.)
No wait -- I change my mind! I'm gonna blow my share on Triumph's awesome new Sprint Crotch Rocket
www.ianchadwick.com/motorcycles/triumph/barbw.gif
(I touched one in a parking lot while SWMBO was inside the restaurant) which Pamela Lee Anderson rode in "Barb Wire."
Pleased to meet your acquaintance. Sadly, I nearly failed my french courses.
Werewolf <3
So there I was in the absolute Middle of Nowhere in Northern Quebec, and my car broke down. At the garage, the fellow knew no English -- or perhaps more accurately would have watched me walk home to Massachusetts rather than speak a single word of English to me. So if I wanted to keep driving, I had to explain the entire car problem to him in a language I do not speak. (It is a variant of Microwave NAFTA French.)
He didn't give me an A grade in francaise. But he fixed my car.
That night as I kept driving along toward Baie James, I turned on the AM radio and listened to one of my favorite Country & Western songs -- they are crazy about Country & Western in Quebec:
FERMEZ LES HONKY-TONKS
FERMEZ LES PORTES ...
(sorry, but the rest of it en Anglais est:)
... AND DON'T LET THE ONE I LOVE
GO THERE ANY MORE!
Post a Comment
<< Home