News, Weather, Mozart, Sports, Eurovision Love Ænema & Perverted Videogames from Vleeptron

NGO_Vleeptron (aka "Bob from Massachusetts") recently featured LIVE on BBC WORLD SERVICE, heard briefly by Gazillions!!!

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old dude, all hair, swell new teeth

28 May 2006

NEWER! IMPROVEDER! map of Ciudad Vleeptron Underway

Of course you must click.

Work in Progress

I think I mentioned that (when the Zeta Beam is working) I have a small apartment around the corner from the Shoe Mirrors station, just a short walk from the Poortown Parva shopping, restaurant and music club district (where Cafe Drek is).

If you can visit Ciudad Vleeptron, please let me take you to The Very Big Hole in the Ground. You can either just stand at the edge and look down with a flashlight or a keychain laser pointer, or you can pay ¤3.5 to climb down and up. (If you want the motor rope to get back up, that costs ¤7.2).

The Red Line is Adults Only, except during school hours. While schoolkids ride, they drape patriotic bunting (the beloved peche, fuchsia and ochre) over most of the subway car and platform ads.

The Garlic Memorial commemorates The Fourth Garlic War, Vleeptron, Hoon and Yobbo's last war. (There aren't going to be any more wars.) An estimated 52k men, szzr and women lost their lives during Garlic War IV. But that was very long ago, not quite beyond living memory, but a long time ago.

The Agence-Vleeptron Presse offices are in Tower 3 of the Tri-Sky-Hi Tower. You take the Blue Line all the way to the Akira Kurosawa Zeta Beam Drome and take the free jitney service to the 3SHT. Just drop in anytime and say hi. A-VP never closes. On Ramadan, the Jewish guys work an extra shift, on Yom Kippur the Muslim people work an extra shift, and on Christmas the people from the other two major monotheistic faiths etc., so everybody can be with their families. Hindus also, I'm not too familiar with their holidays, but when Rajiv (sports) or Arjun (the TV listings) needs a day off for religious purposes, one of us pulls his shift.

Ciudad Vleeptron has 28 Mosques and 28 Synagogues. By law, you have to build a pair of them next door to or across the street from the other. The place is lousy with Christian churches, too. The Swedenborgian place is in Half Smoke, and the Peanut Butter Worshipers live out around Lotteryland and Hohe.

You might want to visit Funkytown. That's where all the Sinhalese-Vleeptroids live and all the Tamil-Vleeptroids, too. What you'll see in their restaurants and shops and markets, they're all living in peace and respect and scrupulous non-violence, though maybe you'll feel a little chill between the two communities. Uhh, actually, when all the rents have gone upstairs to sleep, the Sinhalese teenagers sneak down to the Tamil teenagers' basement rec rooms on weekend nights and everybody just parties and necks and fucks, in that teenage unprotected way they sometimes do, and later they get pregnant, and then they get married, and when the baby comes, both sets of parents are grandparents now, and they learn to deal with each other and even get close as an extended family, they learn to depend on each other to bring good things to the grandkids. You'd be shocked if I told you how many mixed Sinhalese-Tamil marriages there are in CD, so I won't tell you. (HINT: Fewer than mixed Muslim-Jewish marriages in Israel.)

I'm not all that crazy about it, but if you want to go to the All-Nite Drag Races down Beyonce Boulevard, I'll take you there. There's a woman named Øøøøøøø who sells corn dogs and cannabis by the joint.

Maybe if you check out this map of CV and its Underway, you'll think it's a terrible place and you won't want to visit. Okay, different strokes for different folks. I read this long newspaper travel story by an American guy who spent a week in Amsterdam and really hated it. And I know somebody who really loves Salt Lake City and dreams about moving back there.

But I love Vleeptron and Ciudad Vleeptron, and I love Shoe Mirrors and Poortown Parva, and I can't begin to tell you how much fun I've had at Mollyringwald Centre, and how much I've learned about Natural Selection from the gorgeous nature documentaries at the IMAX. I know the lady -- she has a master's degree in exobiology from VIT -- who books the nature movies, and she just goes ripshit when Intelligent Design fundieschmucks make trouble for IMAX science movies up the Finance & Production chain on Earth and mess with young kids' science education.

When I'm feeling blue very late at night I hop the Red Line to Porn Mall, change for the Purple, and go to Zoostation, and there's always lots of people -- it's the downtown bus terminal and train station, too -- and there's always a couple of food vendors open and there's always a big-ass steaming frying mess of different sausages and fresh onions and garlic, and sometimes when shallots are cheap, they saute them up with shallots. (Some people say shallots have too delicate a taste and they'll be overwhelmed by sausages, but that's crap.) So I buy a big-ass sausage right off the griddle, and wash it down with a Doctor Pepper or a root beer, and I watch the interesting people coming and going through the transport terminal -- the big-ass city Zoo's next door, and you can hear the big cats, the panthers, the hyenas, the crazy jungle birds, the monkeys screaming and roaring and howling while you eat your sausage -- and I'm not blue anymore. My mother grew up listening to wild jungle animals screaming all night, you'll never guess where.

H.M. Strangeways is very small -- it has about 11 or 12 cells, two men to a cell -- and they only put really violent, dangerous men into it, and really Vleeptron has very few of them. The Co-Ed Honor Prison is only open from October to March. We don't put drug addicts in jail, no matter what crazy crap they're shooting into which orafice (and there are nine recognized orafices among the residents of the 3-Planet Zone). If it occurs in an adult consentual context, we just don't send you to jail for that. If you won't stop shooting Krazy Glue into your testicles, the Ministry of Public Health will send a team of Professional Jewish Mothers to bother the crap out of you for the rest of time until you agree to check yourself into the Hospital for Disorders, where we run the Free Drug Treatment On Demand clinic. Ditto if you get a little too fucked up on our excellent Vleeptron Absinthe. Let me take you on the tour of the Absinthe Factory, and I'll bet you can guess how the tour ends.

Did I mention our wonderful music? Iggy & the Stooges, Sun Ra, Hoyt Axton, George Harrison, Enrico Caruso, Captain Beeheart, Glenn Gould, Emmylou Harris harmonizing with Gram Parsons, Blondie, George Gershwin, Richard Thompson (sometimes harmonizing with Linda), Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Kurt Weill, Son House, Teresa Stratas play in our little clubs like the Cramped Basement all the time. Our most beloved local musician is il Professore Roberto, Maestro di Theremin. You should see him wail on that thing in his big black cape and his red fez.

I have to go buy some chicken now. Oh, did I mention the postcards and the souvenirs in Ciudad Vleeptron? Oh shit, you will go apeshit for the snow globes and the little engraved souvenir spoons and the thimbles and the ashtrays and the beverage coasters and the stuffy animals and the little painted ceramic miniature houses like the old ones like mine in Poortown Parva, t-shirts and the ...

6 Comments:

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

due to technical difficulties, i have to pick up your comment from my e-mail inbox and place it here gently:

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waaay cool. Just fix that Zeta Beam RIGHT BLOODY NOW !!!! I wanna see that (especially the GG performance ;))
Here's another map of public transport for you
http://www.bvb.ch/bvb_liniennetz_2006.gif

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Posted by patmissedthetramtoday to News, Weather, Mozart, Sports, Eurovision Love Ænema & Perverted Videogames from Vleeptron at 5/28/2006 03:24:20 PM

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oh wow,well,of course my first Ignorant Question was: What River Is That? so i followed the big blue line until it said: RHEIN

where is Basel's Bohemiatown?

for some strange mysterious reason, now that GG hangs mostly on Vleeptron (where we do not discriminate against the dead), he's changed his mind about performing in front of audiences, but he never plays big venues like the Mollyringwald Centre, he only plays the tiny little clubs. And he's just playing a total metric shitload of Gibbons and Byrd. And a little Mozart now and then, but while he's playing it and humming along, you can hear him mutter nasty things about Wolfgang. I think he hates Mozart because he had big ambitions to be a composer, too, but that just never worked out very well.

He still does a huge amount of studio recording, (the little studio is around the corner from Schmiede), and he's not too happy about mp3s -- he thinks they have crappy fidelity -- and he rants all the time about how Music Is Supposed To Be In A Form You Can See And Touch. If you show him your iPod he just freaks out and never speaks to you again.

16:26  
Blogger Bob Merkin said...

do you like the toppled statueand the pigeons?

well, Dr. Chauvin hung in Geneva, nicht Basel.

16:30  
Anonymous Pat Ramone said...

this city is tooo small to have something like a boheiman quartier. too small and too crowded. if it wasn't for a good job and good pay i'd be still in my small village where i grew up.
but it is good to see GG perform again. wonder how he handles the applause. You could ask him to finish Die Kunst Der Fuge. I don't think he would have been opposed to IPods, as far as I understood his writings i reckon or assume he would have supported the idea (would have been a potetntial mac user)
oh btw now just that i spent all the money on a new shiny notebook the IPod snuffed it ! Blast !
eh could you ask The Ramones (Joey, Dee Dee, Johnyy and Marky) to play at Café Drek ?

17:10  
Blogger Bob Merkin said...

I regret to say for reasons I find inexplicable the Ramones don't like Vleeptron. Those goddam teenage hooligans Lenny + Spike lured them to Yobbo, and they play a club in Yobbo all the time called Sordid. It's not hard to get to Yobbo from CV, there's a combo space freighter/passenger ferry to Yobbo twice a week.

17:36  
Anonymous patgoestoyobbo said...

well then...reckon I have to move on..
HEY HO, YOBBO!!

17:59  
Blogger Bob Merkin said...

well, i know you love the Ramones, and I do, too, so go to Yobbo if you must, that's where they play. But I mean I have to warn you -- Yobbo isn't really a very nice or a very safe place. I guess it's sort of like Tallin or Kaliningrad (Vladimir -- no insult to KGrad meant, I still so very much want to go there). The unemployment rate on Yobbo hovers around 81 percent. Environmentally speaking, it's a toxic post-industrial disaster (their main industry was cadmium mining). Don't eat the fish. In fact if you can, bring your own food.

I do like the local Yobbo rotgut, it's about 160 proof, and I think it's made from turnips. They call it Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! You can run car engines and chainsaws on it.

It's really not a good idea to go to Yobbo alone, but you'll do okay if you go with a chum or two. Don't wave your CH passport all over the place, try to keep it to yourself. If the Ramones are gonna put on a really good show, I'll pack my backpack and go with you. I've been there a couple of times.

meanwhile, Another Canton heard from -- I sent a post to f_minor with this URL:

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[Original Message]
From: DJ Were-Panda *vnvlain@gmail.com*
To: F-minor *f_minor@email.rutgers.edu*
Date: 5/28/2006 4:54:25 PM
Subject: Re: [F_minor] GG's performing again!!!

eh...

I beg to differ on the music player. Depending on what you get (iAudio,
Sony, etc) and the type of headphones (Sennheiser, Shures etc) you can have
excellent fidelity...even more so than it was in existent during GG's time.
I have a feeling that a person such as he who embraced technology (so much
so that his last Goldberg Variation album was digitally recorded), would
welcome the individual-music-anywhere-anytime lifestyle.

Of course, I didn't mean to be so serious. And I am a bit biased. I'm
rather fond of my 2nd gen ipod.

Cheers, Bing

F_minor mailing list
F_minor@email.rutgers.edu
https://email.rutgers.edu/mailman/listinfo/f_minor

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[Original Message]
From: Robert Merkin *bobmerk@earthlink.net*
To: DJ Were-Panda *vnvlain@gmail.com*
Date: 5/28/2006 6:03:22 PM
Subject: Re: [F_minor] GG's performing again!!!

Listen, I'm just telling you how Glenn feels about iPods. Oh yes he loved new music technology -- but he wasn't a whore for absolutely every new technological development. He thinks ipods and mp3s suck. That's what he told me.

Bob

19:47  

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