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Location: Great Boreal Deciduous Hardwood Forest, New England, United States

old dude, all hair, swell new teeth

18 April 2005

First Contact

I mentioned my suspicion that all over our region of the Milky Way, there are Warning Beacons telling extraterrestrial spacecraft not to accidentally set down on Earth because there is always some whack dangerous shit going down here, not like on Vleeptron or most other parts of the Local Group, which I think includes Dwingeloo 2 and Dwingeloo 1.

But extraterrestrial sentients do indeed land their spacecraft here on Earth du temps en temps, there've been a few movies and TV shows about this.

One time a flying saucer made a shitty landing on a golf course and wrecked the shit out of the landing gear. The pilot was really embarrassed and knew he'd get into a lot of trouble if he couldn't fix it on the spot and take off again pretty quick. They covered the saucer over with leaves and bushes and stuff and the pilot tried to look as Human as he could, and headed into the nearest town to see if he could find something that could serve as a new replacement landing gear.

Without much luck. He wandered through the town looking in every window, going into Wal-Mart and going up and down all the aisles, but he didn't see anything that might work.

Then finally he saw something in a store window that was a perfect match! Perfect shape, perfect size! He was really excited. He wandered into the store and grabbed one of these things, stuck it under his smröö, and snuck out of the store again.

A Large, Strong Human Hand grabbed him by the collar and put an immediate end to his forward motion.

The ET immediately broke down and confessed and begged for mercy. "Listen, sir, I'm really sorry, but we're from Outer Space and we broke our landing gear and I don't have any Earth money and we just needed this one thing because it's exactly like our landing gear, and if you'll just let me get back to the ship, we'll replace the landing gear and take off and you'll never have any trouble with us again."

The man attached to the Strong Human Hand looked at the ET. "Landing gear? Are you nuts? This is a delicatessen, you schmuck. That's a bagel. You don't put it on a flying saucer. You eat it. It's food. Here. Take a bite."

The ET was very nervous and suspicious, but he took a bite. He chewed on it. He swallowed it. His eyes bugged out. A huge smile spread across his face.

The deli guy looked at him. "Okay? Bagel? Food? Eat? You got it?"

The ET was very happy and excited. "Wow! That's delicious! ... And you know what? This would go GREAT with lox!"


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