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13 April 2005

medical research

I have been Googling myself, and I think I should stop now before I go blind.

The US Supreme Court is in the midst of deciding Ashcroft v. Raich, which attempts to protect California's voter-passed medical marijuana law from the federal government's claim that federal laws prohibit all cannabis use in the United States.

Specifically, the federal government classifies cannabis in the same schedule as heroin, and has done so since the Nixon administration. That story got even funnier two years ago when the National Archives released more secret Nixon White House tapes. Nixon believed people drink alcohol to have fun (he had lots of fun), but smoke marijuana to get high; and believed marijuana's growing popularity was a conspiracy by Jewish psychiatrists, Communists, and homosexuals.

I've had a little enjoyable e-correspondence with Peter Webster. As far as I can figure out, he lives in the South of France and runs an organization dedicated to the Earth-wide legalization of all psychedelic substances. Although I drool at his choice of the Cote d'Azur, it seems an odd choice for his particular brand of monkey business, because France remains a very hard-butt drug prohibitionist nation. I think this is his outfit: The Psychedelic Library

The Supremes will have to get into the thorny question of the medical effectiveness of cannabis in treating a variety of medical conditions, from AIDS-wasting disease, to glaucoma, to multiple sclerosis, to Insufficient Happiness Syndrome. And this is a real Catch-22, because the federal government has relentlessly blocked almost all scientific research on cannabis. At the same time, the federal government says states and localities should be very cautious about liberalizing cannabis laws or policies because so little scientific research exists, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Apparently I was feeling a little frisky one night a year ago and posted this somewhere. Peter must have read it and felt it was an important addition to the scant and conflicting medical literature about cannabis, and gave it another home in C-space.

William Bennett was the nation's first Drug Czar, under Reagan, and now publishes books about getting America back to old-fashioned morals, personal responsibility and family values. About two years ago, some naughty newspaper reporter went public with his little problem: For many years, he has been addicted to sitting alone for hours in front of high-payout casino slot machines, and has tossed literally millions of dollars down these questionable machines. Slot machines offer the worst odds of any game in the house. Playing slot machines is mathematically equivalent to throwing cash down a toilet. About as often as Halley's Comet flies by, a slot machine will light up and make a lot of noise and pay out a big amount, but I doubt if the check says PAY TO THE ORDER OF: William Bennett.

Outed, he grumbled that it was his goddam money, and it was legal, and no harm was done. I don't know what his wife and children think about that.


Do cannabis withdrawals need drug therapy? Controlled trial from America.

Date: Saturday, March 6, 2004 11:03 AM
From: Peter Webster
At 15:37 02/03/2004 -0500, Elmer Elevator did write:

CASE STUDY: Cannabis Withdrawal in Adult Caucasian Male

PUBLICATION: The Journal of Non-Peer-Reviewed Politicized Irreproducable Junk Science

RESEARCHER: E. Elevator, LSMFT, Miskatonic University Medical School

EXPERIMENTAL METHODOLOGY: Subject ran out and couldn't get any for a couple of weeks.

CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS: Subject was observed to be grouchy, and vocalized using vocabulary acquired during prior enlisted military service. Subject reported loss of desire to play scratchy old Jimi Hendrix and Traffic vinyl. Noticeable loss of appetite for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Necco Skybars and "Dagwood" sandwiches.

MEDICAL/PSYCHIATRIC INTERVENTION: Couldn't afford any. Cheaper to wait for more.

CONCLUSIONS: Sudden withdrawal from cannabis use is a significant, life-threatening medical, psychiatric, genetic, hormonal, supercallifragialisticexpialidocious, iatrogenic phenomenon requiring professional intervention, preferably coerced and incarcerated, for the addict's own good. Indications of successful recovery include sincere-sounding testaments to probation officers and judges of how really sorry subject is, and how grateful subject now is for the criminal-justice intervention which was "the luckiest day of my life" (J. Walters).

Successful theraupeutic approaches include introduction of Cheap American Beer (Bud and Miller) to subjects previously unacquainted with regular theraupeutic ingestion of this beverage.

Some researchers (L. Welk, D. and M. Osmond, D. Shore, K. Smith, J. P. Sousa) have reported positive results with intensive musical re-education.

CONTRAINDICATION: Serious diabetic complications have been reported from aural and visual ingestion of D. Shore's work.

RESEARCHER'S NOTE: This study was made possible by a grant from the Corrections Corporation of America, the North American Association of Coercive Addiction Treatment Quacks, Charlatans, Mountebanks and Faith-Based Miracle Workers, and a generous donation from William Bennett's vast casino winnings.


Blogger SteveHeath said...


Blogger jackl2400 said...

I've felt yer pain

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

that's Licensed Substance Manipulative Fraudulent Therapist.

thank you jack for having felt my pain.


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