2 new perversions & a very filthy song

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by persons 18 years of age or older.
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and your Mother.

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I've been around the world in a plane, I am no hick or rube from the sticks or the boondocks.

And I worked on big-city newspapers for a long time, and you really learn Some Stuff there. And I am obsessively curious about everything even when I'm not on the clock.

Oh, and I went to college, and burned up a metric shitload (0.8673 English shitloads) of my rents' money in the Drama Department, in New York City in The Sixties, when If you could spell it fairly well or draw its picture, you could do it. If you could somehow get the idea across of what you were a-hankerin' to do, in those days your partner would say: "Sure!"

Now I am a Junior Geezer, and I think I know Shit ® from Shinola ® about the ways of Women and Men and Indeterminates and the Ambiguous and Ambivalent. I fancy I know a thing or two.

So one day I decide I do not know enough about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I have been enjoying his nifty tunes and compositions, like symphonies he wrote when he was six years old ...

"When Mozart was my age,
he'd been dead for ten years."
-- Victor Borge

... so I decide I will skip the Classics Illustrated Comic Book and the Monarch and Cliff's Notes and go directly to some Heavy-Duty Scholarly Biography, like with footnotes and stuff, written by the world's foremost authority. I am REALLY going to get the skinny on this Mozart dude once and for all.

And this is going to be about an old dead white guy who wrote nothing but classical music, so this is going to be one very boring, comatose exercise in scholarship, you betchum, but I don't care. I want to know about Mozart.

Remember my temporary symbol (until I design a new one) " for the ill-remembered quote? This is True and Very Close to what was in that book, on Page i of the world's foremost authority's Preface:

"It is overwhelmingly clear to all scholars who have examined Mozart's letters, including Dr. Freud, that Mozart was a coprophiliac."

This was Not Boring.

This was clearly a Perversion.

I just didn't know what kind. This one was New To Me.

I felt like a major hayseed, a bigtime rube, I felt like there was a big piece of straw dangling from my teeth and I was wearing overalls. Apparently there were enough people out there doing Something really verboten and nasty that they made up a big special word for it, but I'd never heard of it before.

Mozart was, apparently, one of These Guys. There are even little dialogue hints of it in the movie "Amadeus," when he first meets Constanze and he's flirting with her under the harpsichord. (When we get down to the PizzaQ, it is permissable to Rent The DVD, which you should do even if you're not dying to know what coprophilia is.)

But for a real eye-opener, in the scholarly bio it turns out that a lot of Mozart's loveliest and most famous and beloved tunes were the pop songs of the day, just like "Dancing Queen" and "Close to You," and Mozart wrote his own lyrics, which his publisher would immediately erase as completely and permanently as possible. But a few of Mozart's pop song lyrics have managed to survive.

Oh you bet this dude was a coprophiliac. You would not believe these lyrics.

Doh. And I had to go find a dictionary to find out what he was into.

Well, anyway, are you a rube? Or a hayseed? Or are you a slick, sophisticated Person Who's Been Around The Block? Vleeptron Pizza Slice Honor System, no surfing, no dictionary, just: Do you know what coprophilia is right now, without asking a certified pervert?

And don't answer in a Comment, e-mail me at bobmerk@earthlink.net 'cause this is a little on the Radioactive side and I am trying to maintain a Family Values Blog here. If you gimme the answer first I'll post that you won the slice or endive or bag of chips so the whole world can know that You Are One Hep Cat (if you're not lying and you really didn't look it up or ask a perv).

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Musical Interlude

Okay, now I want to sing a song, but this ... well, this song is FILTHY! Just FILTHY! Objectionable to Republicans and members of the American Heritage Girls and your Aunt Mildred and lots of people. And I really don't want to offend a whole bunch of strangers and get nasty Comments, and maybe get expelled from the Blogosphere.

So look, here is what I'm going to do. When I get to some part that's really kinky or obscene or off-color, I'll just HUM that part.

Now MOST of you folks are way hip and sophisticated and real cool cats who have been around the block, so you'll know right away what I'm singing, and you'll dig it. !-)

But you rubes and hayseeds and Republicans and faith-based fundamentalists out there, and persons 17 years old or younger ... this will just fly right over your heads, no harm done.

I'm sorry I can't supply the tune, but the tempo is a very smooth sexy Bossa Nova.

* * *

Last night I took you home
And we began to hmmmmmm
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmmm
Hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm only seventeen
Hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm leather skirts
Hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm rubber shirts
Hmm hmmmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm
And jars of Vaseline ®

Mmmmm mmmm mmm mm mmm mmm
Mmmmm mmmm mmm mm pick up the soap
Mmmmm mmmm mmm mm mmm mmm
Mayonaisse and rope

Then from the chandelier
The three of us did hmmmmmmmmm
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmmm
Hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hospital for life
Hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm whips and chains
Hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm Great Danes
Hmm hmmmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm
Your wife.

That's actually "The Humming Song," music & lyrics by Martin Mull, it's on an old album, and one time I actually saw him sing it on network prime time television.

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I mentioned I had been around the world on a plane. One time it landed in England, and I got this really cool friend who is an Authentic Barrister, like with a horsehair wig and everything, and just like Rumpole (who is married to another SWMBO), she is a Criminal Barrister, and she attempts to keep people out of the nick, gaol, the slammer, HM Strangeways, whatever.

And one day she invited me to watch her keep a client dude out of gaol. He was just an ordinary sorta guy, but he was down on his luck and broke, and a guy in a pub tells him how he can make some quick Pounds Sterling. If he goes to Rotterdam and asks for Klaas, Klaas will give him a suitcase, and this guy should bring it back to England and give it to the guy in the pub.

In Rotterdam Klaas gives him the suitcase, and our hero takes the train to Calais and the ferry to Dover. There the Customs Guy opens the suitcase, and it has about 40 unlabeled videotapes in it. The Customs Guy plays one of the tapes, and that is why My Barrister Friend got a new client and was attempting to keep him out of gaol.

This is her first Naughty Video case, so she does her homework. The Lord Chancellor is the big UK Cheese who guards everyone's moral behavior and decides what they can look at and what they can't. And he publishes The Lord Chancellor's Official List of Forbidden Perversions, listed from

1. Absolutely None of This Ever Under Any Circumstances

down to

10. Somewhat Nasty But No Gaol Time, Just a Fine

So she has to stick Crown Exhibit A in the VCR and press PLAY while she looks at The List and makes notes. And pretty low down on The List she sees

8. Troilism

(In England they use French words for sex things.)

So. No surfing, no dictionary, no telephoning Klaas. What is Troilism? Huh? Are you a Hep Cat? Or are you a Rube from the Sticks?

This one too, e-mail moi.

And if you want, throw in your answer to this question: Why can't English people see this? Why can't English people do this? Why don't English people have their own word for it? What's so bad about this? Did your Mom ever tell you not to ever do this?