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19 July 2005

More fingerpointing in the world of Non-Existent DigitalVirtual Simulated Soft-Core Toon Porn

"There are only two things
I can't stand in this world:
People who are intolerant
of other peoples' cultures,
and the Dutch."

-- Nigel Powers (Austin Powers' dad,
played by Michael Caine, "Goldmember")

Oboy oboy this just gets Better and Better. Maybe I should stop writing this screwy blog and just spend the rest of my life playing violent smutty videogames on my XBOX.

(Actually I'm rather fond of "Crimson Skies," a retro 1930s airplane-and-dirigible dogfighting game. No Sex -- that anybody's found yet -- just very beautiful and thrilling flying adventures and tough-talking, wisecracking pilot heroines and heroes. WARNING: The flying scenes are so realistic that you can get airsick. So always have a small paper bag with you before you turn the game on. You nice people have been subjected to enough Image Filth in my recent posts, so here's a rather dreamy, thrilling screenshot from "Crimson Skies.")

Remember that Vleeptron said that now that the Hot Political Shitstorm in the USA has started over the videogame Grand Theft Auto/San Andreas, and U.S. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is promising to Save Our Precious Children from Digitized Simulated Soft-Core Toon Porn, some desperate, panicked fingerpointing has begun.

Mostly the manufacturer of GTA, Take-Two/Rockstar Games, is keeping its mouth very tightly shut, probably on advice of counsel.

But before the lawyers stuck a Spongebob Squarepants sock in the Rockstar executives' mouths, Rockstar hinted that THEY never put Any Sex Stuph in GTA-SA, there's No Toon Porn Sex On Our Disk, nothing but Mega-Violence and Crazy Wild High-Speed Driving and Car Theft on Our Official GTA Disk.

But they hinted that the sleazy 34-year-old Dutch computer nerd (who probably knows Rotterdam Klaas), who is In No Way Affiliated with the Fine Upstanding Family-Values Rockstar Corporation, made up all the Sex Stuff himself.

GTA is an All-American Patriotic Ultraviolent Game. Only Sleazy Euro-Trash Dutch Guys would ever stick any Toon Porn Sex in it. Violence and Firearms Gang-Style Crime and High-Speed Police Chases are American Things. Sex -- well, this explains why, whenever an American travels to Europe, there are so many Europeans there.

Patrick Wildenborg of the Netherlands is not taking this slur and accusation from America lying down. (He never lies down; you can't really write code or reverse-engineer or play a videogame lying down. And you can't do this videogame stuff while you're asleep, either. That's why God invented Jolt Cola, with the maximum amount of caffeine allowed by law. Jolt Cola actually sponsors computer programming competitions.)

Vleeptron now presents Patrick Wildenborg's side of this Pissing Match Between Skunks (as we newspaper editors like to call such tasty, juicy, fingerpointing accusation festivals). It speaks for itself, and not in Dutch, but in English, so everybody on Earth who plays ultra-violent video games will be able to understand it.

But Vleeptron wishes to call your attention to something in the Statement.

These modern fancy-schmantzy videogames employ actual human professional Actors and Actresses, just like movies and TV shows. These voices are not computer-generated (like the hot juicy young bodies of Mr. Avatar's many friendly Lady Acquaintances).

Now if Wildenborg had invented and created the Hidden Virtual Toon Sex Sleazoid Porno Stuph, he couldn't have used or afforded the Original Actresses and Actors whose voices appear in the standard GTA/SA game. He would have had to invite some of his Euro Pals (like Klaas and Bibika and Monique and Sabine and Aneeka and maybe Lars) over to his flat in a low-rent part of Amsterdam to speak the new, original Toon Sex Dialogue ("Oooooh Baby! Oooooh Baby! More! More! Ooooooh Baby!" etc.), he would have had to use crummier Radio Shack microphones and recording equipment, and the voices would have sounded quite different, no matter how close they were trying to sound like Mr. Avatar and his original Non-Sex or Pre-Sex Lady Pals avec l'accent Californien du Sur ou Angeleno/Calexicano.

If there remains doubt or controversy over this point, you can stick both soundstreams into a nifty beeping, flashing, ululating, graphics-spewing eletrogizmo called an Audio Spectrum Analyzer -- expensive, I don't think Heathkit ever made one of these suckers or I would have soldered one together -- but now that the United States Senate and the Federal Trade Commission and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton are on The Case of the Hidden Videogame Toon Porn Soft-Core Simulated Virtual Digital Sex, what's a few hundred thou$and buck$ in the Quest For Important Truth which will ultimately help the United States Government protect our precious children's eyeballs and libidi from Toon Porn Virtual Soft-Core Platonic Object Simulated Sex? It's not their money. It's certainly not Hillary's money. This woman hasn't spent a cent of her own money on anything remotely resembling government or First Lady business since William Jefferson was inaugurated Governor on the Little Rock capitol steps. Private suppliers of the finest-grade Audio Spectrum Analyzers on the market may wish to submit bids to the General Services Administration now. Professional Audio Physicists -- MIT is a fine credential -- may also wish to contact the appropriate FTC attorney.

So check out what Wildenborg has to say about the Voices in the Toon Porn Sex Scenes he claims to have discovered on the standard disk of GTA/SA.

* * * * * * *

from Patrick Wildenborg's unofficial Grand Theft Auto website:

Statement on the Hot Coffee mod

After reading various discussion about this mod around the internet, I would like to make the following statement:

All the contents of this mod was already available on the original disks. Therefor the scriptcode, the models, the animations and the dialogs by the original voice-actors were all created by RockStar. The only thing I had to do to enable the mini-games was toggling a single bit in the main.scm file. (Of course it was not easy to find the correct bit). The Nude models that are used as a bonus in the Quick action version of the mod, were also already present on the original disk.

But all this material is completely inaccesible in an unmodded version of the game. It can therefor not be considered a cheat, easter-egg or hidden feature. But is most probably just leftover material from a gameplay idea that didn't make the final release. I would really like to stress that this material is only accessible after willfully applying the hot coffee mod (or something similar) to the game.


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