The Secret Teen Toon Porn Sex Life of Todd, Scott, Mark, maybe Tifani & Amber too

WARNING!

Reading This Post
(or Looking at the Sort of Dirty Picture)
by Persons Younger Than 18
Is Absolutely
Forbidden / Verboten / Interdit / Proibido.

All violations will be reported to the
Federal Internet Administration (FIA).

And Your Mother.

{ [ ( o ) ] }

I really don't know what to make of this one. Some things are just too weird even for Vleeptron.

If, up to now, anyone has come to believe that Vleeptron is some sort of Intergalactic Public Service, bringing useful and positive information to the sentient citizens of the Milky Way and the Dwingeloo 2 Galaxy, it's going to be pretty difficult to maintain that illusion and façade after this.

Oh, of course The Vleeptron Ministry of Fun, Mirth & Light-Hearted Deception loves to do that thing where we scream

VIRGINS!!!
THOUSANDS OF TEENAGE VIRGINS
HAVING KINKY SEX!!!

and when everybody leaps on the mouse, they end up with a Public Health Research Report (about thousands of teenagers who swore to be virgins unto marriage having kinky sex -- Vleeptron never exactly lies in any way that we could really get into actual trouble over).

There are many kinds of porn, but my guess is Statistics Porn is about the least whoop-dee-doop of all. (If you read the Research Report and actually got sexually excited, please Leave a Comment. If you pay money for Statistics Porn, if you use Visa or MasterCard or PayPal to send $$ to Russians for Sleazoid Slavic StatPorn, Comment and Details, please.)

Vleeptron must now be perfectly candid. What follows in this Post is Porn. Smut. Filth. Sex. Dirty Pictures. (Well, one, anyway. Maybe two if you're nice, and the imaging software works.)

There. I've said it. That's who we are here in Ciudad Vleeptron. We peddle Porn.

And it gets worse. It gets really depraved. We are inaugurating our career as an Internet Porno Purveyor by specializing in The Kind of Porno Innocent Teenagers Like.

Before you call the cops, I guess it's time to provide a little detail. Yes, Vleeptron is into Porn. We're talking about Porn Images in which 1 human adult male and 1 human adult female have pretty standard Sex (the kind you try first if you're trying to have a baby). Also the kind of sex teenagers might have if their parents go to sleep upstairs at 10 pm and leave the teens alone in the basement rec room for several hours unsupervised.

Oh, and the subjects of Vleeptron's first porn aren't married; they are not having this physical intimacy within the Bonds of Holy Matrimony. Which I suppose makes it worse. Or more thrilling.

Hmmm. What else? Oh, yeah, I suppose this is pretty depraved: Vleeptron is steering you to a series of images and even animated movies (it's always much more depraved when everybody's moving and wiggling) with this kind of story: One guy who goes around having sex with lots of different women (but only one woman at a time, none of that norty Troilism stuph).

Our Hero is very wicked, not being serially monogamous. And the female adult humans he's having sex with -- well, they're not exactly Paragons of Good Dating Citizenship either. These are definitely One Night Stands with absolutely No Deeper Relationship or Love or Commitment Sharing. Slutty sorts of "loose" girls. (We called them "loose" in the 1960s.)

Now I only have to mention one more little detail before we get to the Dirty Pictures.

These are Toons Having Sex. Digital Computerized Cartoons doing it. So prepare to get as excited and stimulated as you can possibly get by images of Platonic Objects, of Mathematically Generated Sets of Colored Pixels, Who Do Not Really Exist in Our Universe, having sex.

To get even more explicit, you can see Imaginary Breasts and Imaginary Female Rear Ends, but you can't see Imaginary Penises and you can't see Imaginary Female Gynecological Zones.

"Simulated Sex" is what The New York Times calls it. Simulated Imaginary Virtual Toon Sex is what Vleeptron calls it.

Are the imaginary non-existent females, or the imaginary randy satyriatic guy, who are having the imaginary virtual simulated toon sex minors? Are they younger than 18? I don't know. Is it possible for an imaginary digital cartoon to be younger than 18? Was a Toon ever really born? Can a Toon grow older? Does the question have any meaning at all? Leave a Comment.

Now we're ready to talk about the Porn, maybe even show a little of it. (HEALTH ADVISORY: Persons with weak hearts, please take medication now.)

Perhaps you're sufficiently in the Youth Loop to know what a Video Game is. Maybe you're even Youthoid Hip Enough to know what a Sony PlayStation 2 is. (It's expensive, and it hooks up to your TV set.)

There are many different kinds of video games. There's Super Mario Brothers, in which cute plumbers with big moustaches climb up and down ladders.

Then there's ultra-violent games like Mech Assault in which huge robot monster war machines stomp on imaginary soldiers and blow up cities. (The giant monster war machines -- you, the player -- are actually trying to destroy a religious cult called The Word of Blake. Come on, if you don't have anything better to do this morning, abandon your lifelong faith and join a new religious cult you heard about on a video game and on the Internet.)

But if everyone's most ghastly sick fantasy came true and we were all 14 years old again, what's the hottest video game around right now? What would we be spending hours each day playing? Why would we be whining endlessly for a PS2?

Grand Theft Auto.

Specifically, its most recent reincarnation, GTA San Andreas.

I'm going to give a brief description of GTA, which I've never played ('cause I got X-Box, and you can only play GTA-SA on PlayStation2), so I'd love it if I got a lot of Comments from Todd and Mark and Scott, things like

Todd wrote:

u suk geezer asshole u dont kno wut ur talkin about GTASA rewlz fuk u

... which would straighten me out and clarify the details of this fine game of skill, strategy, hand-eye coordination, and Good Citizenship.

But basically, in GTA-SA, your Avatar (he looks very much like a guy at a violent senseless felony arraignment which let TV cameras in) goes around California stealing expensive fast overpowered gas-guzzling Detroit muscle cars and driving them around recklessly (but not wrecklessly), being chased all over the busy streets and highways at incredibly high, unsafe speed by police cars, causing all sorts of destruction, mayhem, fear, terror, dread, with lots of gunfire exchanged.

That, as I understand it, is the Legend of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.

Or the Above-Ground Legend. That's the game you get to play just as it comes out of the shrink wrap and into the disk drive of your Sony PS2 and onto your TV screen. Steal fast cars, shoot at police, get shot at by police, drive at crazy speeds, smash into people and things, live or die horribly in a fiery explosion of twisted metal, GAME OVER, do it all over again.

In 2004 it was the best-selling video game in the USA, probably the world. Since the first incarnation of GTA was released, it's been a wildly popular series of games.

So, if you're a 14-year-old Todd sitting in front of the TV with your PS2 controller for six hours at a time (you stop playing when you start frothing at the mouth and fall down in an epileptic fit), what could be cooler than that? You're perfectly satisfied with all this high-speed highway carnage and shootouts with cops. Who could ask for anything more?

Well, a little Sex would be nice. All your boring Avatar does all day is steal cars, flee from cops through city streets at 130 miles per hour, shoot Glocks and Uzis in drivebys, and cause death and destruction. (The game doesn't show any funerals or innocent family members grieving, and there's no level where your Avatar spends ten years sitting on a steel cot in a maximum security state prison. Maybe next Release.)

When does your Avatar get his ashes hauled? When does he get to play Hide-the-Kielbasa?

Perhaps there's a Mrs. Avatar, and after a hard day of car theft and high-speed police chases, Mr. Avatar goes home, Mrs. A. cooks him spaghetti and meatballs, and then they sit on the sofa, hold hands and watch reruns of "Little House on the Prairie" and smooch a little.

Nope.

Avatar Sex in GTA-SA is nastier than that, and it's a Big Secret. Only Teens know how to see the Avatar having Virtual Toon Sex.

But Vleeptron reads The New York Times, The New York Times has revealed the Big Secret of how the Teens are watching the Toons have Toon Sex, and now Vleeptron will tell you.

You buy the disk of GTA-SA, you stick it in your PS2, you play the game. Same violent high-speed shoot 'em up game for all.

But a 36-year-old Dutch pewter nerd named Patrick Wildenborg suspected there might be more to this swell video game and started doing a little reverse engineering. He went deep into the code guts of GTA-SA, and claims to have found hidden, secret scenes and segments that no ordinary buyer and player can ever see, levels of the game no ordinary player can access.

Wildenborg wrote a program called a "mod" (-ification) and began passing it around Internetally. Every popular videogame instantly spawns a large and vibrant support and fan community. These unofficial websites first offer small game-playing success tips called "cheats." A cheat isn't public, the game manufacturer never reveals it. But the manufacturer intentionally puts little secret gimmicks throughout the game, assuming that many fans will get so involved in the game that they want to know every hidden secret. For example, a secret cheat hint might show you how to kill a monster that ordinary players can never kill.

But Wildenborg's mod went way beyond cheats. If you download his mod, called HotCoffee, and use the mod on the standard GTA-SA, the car-stealing Avatar suddenly goes all over California to take sex breaks with dozens of friendly, attractive young Toon females.

Here we come to the first Disputed Controversy in this weird story. GTA is written and sold by Take-Two or Rockstar Games. As the scandal of the hidden Toon Porn Sex has became public and in fact grown national legs, Take-Two/Rockstar Games has been suggesting that they didn't put the sex scenes in their authorized game disks. They're hinting that Wildenborg wrote the sex scenes, artistically to resemble the rest of the look and style of the game, and that the mod he's distributing is the source of the sex stuff. Take-Two/Rockstar is, of course, very proud of the violence and car theft and smallarms fire, but they're hinting that they don't do Toon Porn Sex games. Somebody Else did that. The manufacturer says.

A modern best-selling videogame is a big team effort; it has credits, just like a movie, and these days it's not at all unusual to see 100 or more names associated with the creation of a game. Like any huge technical project, they split the members into small teams, each assigned one job or a small, specific set of tasks.

When their job is done, they submit a few million zeroes and ones to the Boss, and their contribution fits into the Big Game and does the things they were assigned to make the game do.

But they're young, clever, weird, strange, creative types, they like practical jokes, they get bored easily -- and because one set of a million zeroes and ones 111010110011000110 looks very much like any other set of a million zeroes and ones 011011100010010010, sometimes they combat the boredom of their coding assignment by throwing in little secret extras -- that only they know about. Their little joke, their little secret. Sometimes they swear oaths never to let another living soul know what they've hidden in their segment of the game. More often, they tell everybody they know who's into gaming, as proof that they're Very Cool and Special People.

Well. You decide what's going on here. You tell me who threw the Benzedrine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine. You tell me who wrote the Teen Toon Wiggling Porn Parts.

Politically, the fun's just begun. First a California state assemblyman named Leland Yee started screaming bloody murder about the HotCoffee mod sex. And now U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton has started demanding -- oh, the usual shit, hearings, save our precious children from being exposed to Toons Having Virtual Simulated Soft-Core Sex, it's the end of the world, the sky is falling, yadda yadda. Maybe if I live to be 300 years old, Hillary Clinton will actually take on an issue that's real, substantive and important. It just hasn't happened yet. Now she's going after the norty video game porn.

Okay, this has all taken much too long to write and publish, and the story's starting to get stale. You might even already know about it, and maybe you've already seen the Virtual Toon Teen Videogame Porn.

If you Google your ass off, you can even find the wiggling sex movie, not just the stills. You will be SHOCKED! SHOCKED! I tell you when you see what these non-existent sets of mathematically generated pixels are up to, while Todd and Tifani are upstairs watching while they should be doing their algebra homework. Something must be done.

* * * * * * *

The New York Times
Monday 11 July 2005

In Video Game, a Download Unlocks Hidden Sex Scenes
By STEVE LOHR

Action video games are renowned for serving up simulated gore and violence, but an intriguing mystery surfaced last week in which politics, business and simulated sex feature prominently as well.

With some code written by Patrick Wildenborg, a 36-year-old Dutch techie, and a few friends, some scenes in the best-selling video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas become sexually explicit.

His free code, which can be downloaded over the Internet, acts as a software key, Mr. Wildenborg explained. He said it merely unlocked the sexually graphic images that are hidden inside the game and written by programmers who work for the game's developer, Rockstar Games, which is owned by Take-Two Interactive, a leading game publisher.

Mr. Wildenborg's program has become quite popular since it was posted on a Web site last month. By last week, the effects of his software handiwork came to the attention of Leland Yee, a California assemblyman, who has long called for legislation to curb the sales of video games to children. In a statement last Wednesday, Mr. Yee chided the game industry's self-policing unit, the Entertainment Software Rating Board, for failing to properly rate Grand Theft Auto as a game for adults only.

In taking on the Grand Theft Auto series, Mr. Yee was going after a well-known target. "This particular game has been known to include extremely heinous acts of violence," his statement said, "and now it has been uncovered that the game also includes explicit sexual scenes that are inappropriate for our children."

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not intended for younger children. It is rated M, or mature, for players 17 years and older. The national electronics store chains sell M-rated games, but tend to avoid adult-only titles.

The game rating board said on Friday that it would investigate Grand Theft Auto to see if the publisher had violated the industry rule requiring "full disclosure of pertinent content."

Mr. Wildenborg's program, called Hot Coffee, is known as a mod - for code that modifies a game. Such programs have helped spread the popularity and lifespan of many games by adding features and flourishes not imagined by the publishers. For the most part, the industry encourages these hobbyist contributors.

Whether the publishers will be held responsible if they wrote, and then hid, the sexually graphic scenes is not clear. The sexually explicit scenes do not appear with a few keystrokes, as happens with software "Easter eggs" - typically names, messages or games hidden in programs. The graphic episodes in Grand Theft Auto cannot be rendered unless a user downloads the Hot Coffee code or a similar program.

"At the end of the day," Mr. Wildenborg wrote in an e-mail message yesterday, "Grand Theft Auto is not a game for young children, and is rated accordingly." The hidden graphic images, he added, are "not something it is possible to accidentally stumble across" in the course of playing the game.

Representatives for Take-Two or Rockstar Games could not be reached for comment yesterday. But Rockstar issued a statement on Friday that said it was confident that after the rating board's inquiry, Grand Theft Auto would retain its current rating, M, for mature.

Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company