Bob bothers a Portuguese stranger

If you value your life and your sanity, never download mIRC or go onto Internet Relay Chat. I have flushed years of my life away on this Wonderful Silly Thing. If I had typed as much on Real Things as I have typed on IRC, I would be the author of something as long as "Remembrances of Things Past."

But I flushed 4.8 x 10^8 keystrokes down the toilet talking to strangers in Cebu, Israel, Gibraltar, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Chile -- and Undernet is LOUSY with Romanians! I think the government of Romania gives every Romanian a laptop and mIRC, and forces them all to spend all their life on Undernet. Buna! Multumesc!

Okay, so I love lingos and I am obsessively nosey about Earth, every corner of it, and IRC is the most wonderful way to learn about the world, and learn how real people really speak real Espan~ol and Portugues and deutsches and francais and Ivrit -- slang! Patois! Vernacular!

In Los Angeles, when they see a nifty new electronic gizmo, they say: "Muy starwarz!" In Guatemala, when you are trying to "play dumb," to pretend you are stupid and lost and don't know anything, they say: "To make like the Swiss tourist."

So anyway I know that Alto is high, but I do not know what Bairro is or means. Maybe it's like Spanish "barrio." Or maybe it's just a place name. But I want to know. So I crank up mIRC and click into Undernet and go on chatroom #lisboa

(And get immediately booted out of #lisboa )

===========================

{Kikas} than..... dont enter in #lisboa
{Kikas} go to another channel please
{Droog4} She is a Dancing Queen! Only seventeen! See her dance! Hear her laugh! Having the time of her life!
{Droog4} i just have this one question about one word!
{Kikas} what
{Droog4} Bairro
{Droog4} a guy said he goes to Bairro Alto
{Droog4} (I know Alto)
{Droog4} I'm sorry I only studied Latin so I can talk to dead people
{Kikas} lolllllll
{Kikas} Bairro alto its a place in lisboa
{Droog4} what does the word bairro mean?
{Droog4} and what kind of neighborhood is Bairro Alto?
{Droog4} i join #latin, but always everyone is dead for thousands of years
{Kikas} its a neighborhood where many people goes to drink a cooffe and dancing
{Droog4} aha! okay! thank you!
{Droog4} does it mean the same as Espan~ol "barrio"?
{Kikas} theres many bares in there
{Droog4} yes, he says he drinks Absinthe there
{Kikas} i dont know
{Droog4} okay thank you for your help
{Droog4} i will not sing more ABBA thru your computer speakers
{Kikas} ohhhhh god thanks
{Droog4} scared you, huh?
{Kikas} nop
{Droog4} i will make you think you are trapped in an elevator for hours
{Kikas} i just dont like abba
{Droog4} who does?
{Droog4} tey're terrible
{Droog4} all the elevators of the world play ABBA music
{Kikas} ya... but you just sing the songs
{Kikas} bahhhh not here
{Droog4} what was Portugal's Euro Pop Song in Ukraine this year?
{Droog4} did you win?
{Kikas} hummm i dont know
{Droog4} pay more attention! your National Honor is at stake!
{Droog4} ABBA won the Euro Pop Song contest
{Droog4} so did Riverdance and the Lord of the Dance!
{Kikas} humm
{Droog4} Israel won Pop Song contest a few years ago with a man who wears woman's clothes
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} she
{Droog4} she's gorgeous!
{Droog4} too bad she's not a she
{Kikas} humm
{Droog4} hey can i ask you political question?
* Droog4 is a nosey guy
{Droog4} i will ask anyway
{Droog4} in Portugal politics ... is there still a "Salazar Party"?
{Droog4} people who remember Salazar and want Portugal to go back to Salazar's ways?
{Kikas} ohhhhhh god of course not
{Droog4} hey -- in Argentina thousands of people go to big rallies and yell VIVA PERON!
{Droog4} and he has been dead since 1959
{Droog4} you can't keep a good dictator down just because he's dead
{Droog4} there is still a little Franco smell in Espan~a
{Droog4} but i am very happy there is no more Salazar in your politics
{Droog4} is there still PIDE?
{Kikas} nop
{Droog4} what is the new name of the secret police?
{Droog4} we still got Scully and Muldur and the good old FBI
{Droog4} keeping America safe from Outer Space Aliens and Vampires
{Kikas} there's no more secret police
* Droog4 has heart attack from shock and dies
{Droog4} really??????????????? a country that has no secret police?????
{Kikas} yep
{Droog4} this is beyond my life experience ... and i am verrrrry old
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} i know about Costa Rica ... it has NO ARMY!!!!!
{Droog4} hard to believe
{Droog4} use another emoticon ... all you are is O_O
{Kikas} hey.... i'm working
{Droog4} i studied philosophy and logic ... If there is a secret police in Portugal ... would they tell you?
{Kikas} i dont have many time to chat
{Droog4} or would they say "There is no secret police."
{Droog4} okay well thank you
{Droog4} i am working too, i am the controller of the nuclear power plant, like Homer Simpson
{Droog4} but i smoke marihuana, i do not drink beer
{Droog4} Pittsburg is safe
{Kikas} hum... okis
{Droog4} :-)
{Kikas} :P
* Droog4 apologizes that President Bush is scaring the hell out of the whole world, Droog4 voted for Other People
{Droog4} by our Constitution, Bush must go back to rancho in Texas in 2008
{Droog4} but maybe he will do a coup and make himself President Forever
{Kikas} damn... you speak a lot!
{Droog4} I am a Typing Champion!
{Kikas} bolas!
{Droog4} it saved my life in the Army!
{Droog4} if you type fast in the Army, you never get shot at or have to shoot other people!
{Droog4} If you have sons, teach them to type fast!
{Droog4} for me, the Vietnam War was all typing!
{Droog4} they never make movies about my Vietnam war
{Droog4} if they did, Keanu Reeves would be me I think
{Droog4} or Leonardo diCaprio
{Kikas} jesusssssss
{Droog4} lol
{Droog4} http://vleeptron.blogspot.com
{Droog4} visit my silly blog
{Droog4} your boss will not mind
{Droog4} he is probably surfing porn in his office anyway
{Droog4} brb
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} sorry, i had to turn off all the nuclear power plant klaxons and alarms and flashing red lights
{Droog4} everything okay now
* Droog4 sings: me gusta linguica / me gustas tu!
{Kikas} you're crazy
{Droog4} I am not crazy and i have many government documents to prove it!
{Droog4} you want them in *.doc or *.pdf ?
{Droog4} have you been to Azores?
* Droog4 prepares to sing more ABBA
{Kikas} jesussssssss dont you want your keyboard alone?
{Kikas} O_ô
{Kikas} you dont stop!
{Droog4} i am sorry, i love to visit Europe, but i have no $$$$ now so i can only visit Europe on IRC
{Droog4} in USA, the food sucks
{Kikas} the portuguese food is very good
{Droog4} yes! my Lisboa friend says so!
{Droog4} now you have made me very hungry
{Droog4} i am a good cook, and i cook for our town's homeless shelter ... i make sausage stew ... i put linguica in it
{Droog4} it reminds some of our guests of Grandma
{Droog4} also the Irish bangers and the Italian sausage
{Kikas} lol
{Droog4} everyone remembers Grandma
{Kikas} linguiça is very good
{Droog4} I know!
{Droog4} when the Airport Customs Police ask me why I am visiting Portugal, I will say: Linguica!
* Droog4 tries to be quiet and not type
{Droog4} :-(
{Kikas} lol
{Kikas} gooddddd
{Kikas} that's right ;)
{Kikas} work!
{Droog4} don't type that horrible disgusting word!
{Droog4} wash mouth out with soap!
{Droog4} what kind of work do you do?
{Kikas} account
{Droog4} ah, okay ... my ex-wife was a Certified Public Accountant ... in UK they say Chartered Accountant
{Droog4} Check the trial balance!
{Kikas} yep
{Droog4} also in UK they call accountants "lion tamer"
{Droog4} "Double entry accounting is the most sublime invention of the human spirit." -- Goethe
{Droog4} (that was on first page of my wife's accounting textbook)
{Droog4} i don't know how to say it auf deutsches
{Droog4} 15 April is USA national Pay Taxes Day
{Droog4} if you were a USA accountant, you would be having a nervous breakdown right now
{Kikas} in portugal is in 15 May
{Droog4} okay you can still relax a little
{Kikas} not realy
{Droog4} okay, get nervous
{Droog4} i was a newspaper editor, every night at midnight we all get heart attacks and go crazy
{Droog4} do you call the river Tagus? or is that just the way English calls it?
* Droog4 installs Java Karaoke software
No such nick