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NGO_Vleeptron (aka "Bob from Massachusetts") recently featured LIVE on BBC WORLD SERVICE, heard briefly by Gazillions!!!

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Location: Great Boreal Deciduous Hardwood Forest, New England, United States

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07 April 2005

Bob bothers a Portuguese stranger

If you value your life and your sanity,
never download mIRC or go onto Internet Relay Chat. I have flushed years of my life away on this Wonderful Silly Thing. If I had typed as much on Real Things as I have typed on IRC, I would be the author of something as long as "Remembrances of Things Past."

But I flushed 4.8 x 10^8 keystrokes down the toilet talking to strangers in Cebu, Israel, Gibraltar, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Chile -- and Undernet is LOUSY with Romanians! I think the government of Romania gives every Romanian a laptop and mIRC, and forces them all to spend all their life on Undernet. Buna! Multumesc!

Okay, so I love lingos and I am obsessively nosey about Earth, every corner of it, and IRC is the most wonderful way to learn about the world, and learn how real people really speak real Espan~ol and Portugues and deutsches and francais and Ivrit -- slang! Patois! Vernacular!

In Los Angeles, when they see a nifty new electronic gizmo, they say: "Muy starwarz!" In Guatemala, when you are trying to "play dumb," to pretend you are stupid and lost and don't know anything, they say: "To make like the Swiss tourist."

So anyway I know that Alto is high, but I do not know what Bairro is or means. Maybe it's like Spanish "barrio." Or maybe it's just a place name. But I want to know. So I crank up mIRC and click into Undernet and go on chatroom #lisboa

(And get immediately booted out of #lisboa )


{Kikas} than..... dont enter in #lisboa
{Kikas} go to another channel please
{Droog4} She is a Dancing Queen! Only seventeen! See her dance! Hear her laugh! Having the time of her life!
{Droog4} i just have this one question about one word!
{Kikas} what
{Droog4} Bairro
{Droog4} a guy said he goes to Bairro Alto
{Droog4} (I know Alto)
{Droog4} I'm sorry I only studied Latin so I can talk to dead people
{Kikas} lolllllll
{Kikas} Bairro alto its a place in lisboa
{Droog4} what does the word bairro mean?
{Droog4} and what kind of neighborhood is Bairro Alto?
{Droog4} i join #latin, but always everyone is dead for thousands of years
{Kikas} its a neighborhood where many people goes to drink a cooffe and dancing
{Droog4} aha! okay! thank you!
{Droog4} does it mean the same as Espan~ol "barrio"?
{Kikas} theres many bares in there
{Droog4} yes, he says he drinks Absinthe there
{Kikas} i dont know
{Droog4} okay thank you for your help
{Droog4} i will not sing more ABBA thru your computer speakers
{Kikas} ohhhhh god thanks
{Droog4} scared you, huh?
{Kikas} nop
{Droog4} i will make you think you are trapped in an elevator for hours
{Kikas} i just dont like abba
{Droog4} who does?
{Droog4} tey're terrible
{Droog4} all the elevators of the world play ABBA music
{Kikas} ya... but you just sing the songs
{Kikas} bahhhh not here
{Droog4} what was Portugal's Euro Pop Song in Ukraine this year?
{Droog4} did you win?
{Kikas} hummm i dont know
{Droog4} pay more attention! your National Honor is at stake!
{Droog4} ABBA won the Euro Pop Song contest
{Droog4} so did Riverdance and the Lord of the Dance!
{Kikas} humm
{Droog4} Israel won Pop Song contest a few years ago with a man who wears woman's clothes
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} she
{Droog4} she's gorgeous!
{Droog4} too bad she's not a she
{Kikas} humm
{Droog4} hey can i ask you political question?
* Droog4 is a nosey guy
{Droog4} i will ask anyway
{Droog4} in Portugal politics ... is there still a "Salazar Party"?
{Droog4} people who remember Salazar and want Portugal to go back to Salazar's ways?
{Kikas} ohhhhhh god of course not
{Droog4} hey -- in Argentina thousands of people go to big rallies and yell VIVA PERON!
{Droog4} and he has been dead since 1959
{Droog4} you can't keep a good dictator down just because he's dead
{Droog4} there is still a little Franco smell in Espan~a
{Droog4} but i am very happy there is no more Salazar in your politics
{Droog4} is there still PIDE?
{Kikas} nop
{Droog4} what is the new name of the secret police?
{Droog4} we still got Scully and Muldur and the good old FBI
{Droog4} keeping America safe from Outer Space Aliens and Vampires
{Kikas} there's no more secret police
* Droog4 has heart attack from shock and dies
{Droog4} really??????????????? a country that has no secret police?????
{Kikas} yep
{Droog4} this is beyond my life experience ... and i am verrrrry old
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} i know about Costa Rica ... it has NO ARMY!!!!!
{Droog4} hard to believe
{Droog4} use another emoticon ... all you are is O_O
{Kikas} hey.... i'm working
{Droog4} i studied philosophy and logic ... If there is a secret police in Portugal ... would they tell you?
{Kikas} i dont have many time to chat
{Droog4} or would they say "There is no secret police."
{Droog4} okay well thank you
{Droog4} i am working too, i am the controller of the nuclear power plant, like Homer Simpson
{Droog4} but i smoke marihuana, i do not drink beer
{Droog4} Pittsburg is safe
{Kikas} hum... okis
{Droog4} :-)
{Kikas} :P
* Droog4 apologizes that President Bush is scaring the hell out of the whole world, Droog4 voted for Other People
{Droog4} by our Constitution, Bush must go back to rancho in Texas in 2008
{Droog4} but maybe he will do a coup and make himself President Forever
{Kikas} damn... you speak a lot!
{Droog4} I am a Typing Champion!
{Kikas} bolas!
{Droog4} it saved my life in the Army!
{Droog4} if you type fast in the Army, you never get shot at or have to shoot other people!
{Droog4} If you have sons, teach them to type fast!
{Droog4} for me, the Vietnam War was all typing!
{Droog4} they never make movies about my Vietnam war
{Droog4} if they did, Keanu Reeves would be me I think
{Droog4} or Leonardo diCaprio
{Kikas} jesusssssss
{Droog4} lol
{Droog4} visit my silly blog
{Droog4} your boss will not mind
{Droog4} he is probably surfing porn in his office anyway
{Droog4} brb
{Kikas} O_O
{Droog4} sorry, i had to turn off all the nuclear power plant klaxons and alarms and flashing red lights
{Droog4} everything okay now
* Droog4 sings: me gusta linguica / me gustas tu!
{Kikas} you're crazy
{Droog4} I am not crazy and i have many government documents to prove it!
{Droog4} you want them in *.doc or *.pdf ?
{Droog4} have you been to Azores?
* Droog4 prepares to sing more ABBA
{Kikas} jesussssssss dont you want your keyboard alone?
{Kikas} O_ô
{Kikas} you dont stop!
{Droog4} i am sorry, i love to visit Europe, but i have no $$$$ now so i can only visit Europe on IRC
{Droog4} in USA, the food sucks
{Kikas} the portuguese food is very good
{Droog4} yes! my Lisboa friend says so!
{Droog4} now you have made me very hungry
{Droog4} i am a good cook, and i cook for our town's homeless shelter ... i make sausage stew ... i put linguica in it
{Droog4} it reminds some of our guests of Grandma
{Droog4} also the Irish bangers and the Italian sausage
{Kikas} lol
{Droog4} everyone remembers Grandma
{Kikas} linguiça is very good
{Droog4} I know!
{Droog4} when the Airport Customs Police ask me why I am visiting Portugal, I will say: Linguica!
* Droog4 tries to be quiet and not type
{Droog4} :-(
{Kikas} lol
{Kikas} gooddddd
{Kikas} that's right ;)
{Kikas} work!
{Droog4} don't type that horrible disgusting word!
{Droog4} wash mouth out with soap!
{Droog4} what kind of work do you do?
{Kikas} account
{Droog4} ah, okay ... my ex-wife was a Certified Public Accountant ... in UK they say Chartered Accountant
{Droog4} Check the trial balance!
{Kikas} yep
{Droog4} also in UK they call accountants "lion tamer"
{Droog4} "Double entry accounting is the most sublime invention of the human spirit." -- Goethe
{Droog4} (that was on first page of my wife's accounting textbook)
{Droog4} i don't know how to say it auf deutsches
{Droog4} 15 April is USA national Pay Taxes Day
{Droog4} if you were a USA accountant, you would be having a nervous breakdown right now
{Kikas} in portugal is in 15 May
{Droog4} okay you can still relax a little
{Kikas} not realy
{Droog4} okay, get nervous
{Droog4} i was a newspaper editor, every night at midnight we all get heart attacks and go crazy
{Droog4} do you call the river Tagus? or is that just the way English calls it?
* Droog4 installs Java Karaoke software
No such nick


Blogger §J§ said...

First of all, in Bairro Alto, you don't have a cup of coffee or go to a nightclub to "shake your bootty" (except if you're a Neo-Gothic whatever).

I'll explain to you (and Kikas) what Bairro Alto is: there are a lot of bairros in Lisbon. I don't know th exact word for it in English... A "bairro" (deep down in Lisbon, far away from the metropolitan neon hysteria) is one of those ancient places, with typical old houses, four storages high, old people dressed in black listening to Amália, that unique light and smell that only can be found in the Heart of a city. Bairro is a typical old neighborhood, lost in time. Lisbon is a city divided by bairros - Alfama, Mouraria, Graça, Bairro Alto, Costa do Castelo, ... (you will find photos of theses bairros in the net).
Bairro ALto (roughly translated: Typical-Old-Neighborhood-Lost-In-Time-Which-Stands-On-The-Top-Of-One-Of-The-Seven-Hills-of-Lisbon) is full of bars, sex-shops, pro-joint-trance-like-shops, tattoo studios, gay people, old people, young people, wierd people, straihght people, angels, demons, bums, criminals, poets, singers, actors, demigods of suburban decadence, cheap beer, cheap shots, lots of cigarettes, lots of drugs, lots of love, amazing conversations, infinite laughter and, sometimes, one or two teardrops.

That's Bairro Alto.

Waterloo, i was defeated, you've won the war..


Blogger §J§ said...

why isn´t my first post available?..

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

You have asked a question which I cannot answer. This is a question for the Blogspot Robot. But here is the answer:


Blogger Bob Merkin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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