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15 October 2005

Paradis [sic]

This stuff is GOOD. I only found out how good it is by accident.

I was starving when I woke up after my flight to Europe, it was midnight, and the only restaurant near my hotel that was still open ...

I should have suspected something was fishy. Maybe all the other patrons were happily married couples ... but the men were all 52, bald and a little pudgy (all their names were Klaus), and the, women were all 22, very thin and attractive, and wearing transluscent slinky schmatas and not many foundation garments. (All their names were Aneeka, and they said "Tee-Hee!" a lot.)

Maybe it was a favorite restaurant where Uncles liked to take their poor college-student Nieces out for a good meal. In many Faiths and Traditions, if you are a Prosperous Older Person, it is a Religious Obligation to Feed Poor Young Students. (My friend Uwe says the Berlin newspapers write about this restaurant all the time in the Gossip Columns.)

Well, when I was done eating, I asked the guy what brandies or cognacs he had, and he said "Hennessy Paradis." I knew the name "Hennessy" of course, so I ordered a snort. (I'm always a Sport when I'm away from home, especially when I'm away from home and unsupervised.)
And then another. And then another. I spent the rest of my trip to Berlin in the hospital being treated for a stroke after I got the bill.

If you want to buy a whole bottle of this stuff, you're going to have to visit an officer at your bank to discuss a loan. If your liquor store carries it at all, I guarantee you, it's not on the shelf with all the other brandies and cognacs. It's in a locked cabinet. Arthur will be glad to show it to you. He's going to want some assurances about your intentions before he unlocks the case and lets you touch the bottle.

If you drink this stuff all the time ... uhhhh ... what Planet do you live on? Are you Bill Gates? You can't be the Sultan of Brunei, because he's not supposed to drink alcoholic beverages. Leave A Comment.


Blogger Mamagiggle said...

I wonder how much more sporting you were after the snorting.

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

Well, I caught it on the Upswing, during the Happier and Happier phase of alcohol. (Technically alcohol is a Depressant, but it starts out making you feel Happier and Handsomer and Stronger and Braver.)

I'm a strange kind of drinker. I practically never drink at or near home. But when I'm 1000 miles away from home, suddenly I want to know what the Natives drink. One time I ended up drinking Screech Rum with sailors in a bar in Saint Anthony's, Newfoundland. They were merchant sailors, and I was a newspaperman -- it was a Pride Thing, I had to hold up My Side.

I puked, but only a little, when I was alone in the bathroom. The sailors never saw me puke.

But anyway, if there's any for sale this far south of the Arctic, check out Screech Rum. Yo Ho Ho me Hearties. Shiver me timbers. Aaaargh.

And remember: Please Drink Responsibly.

Anonymous Edward R Cole said...

I must say, sir, that you did not nearly have enough brandy because you failed to mention any exploits of a physical nature that stimulated pleasures of a more natural kind than alcohol. It sounds like you were the wrong guy at the right place or something like that. Now, I know I cannot condemn your lack of sordid behavior for certain, because you might be ommitting portions of your evening. Nevertheless, not to capitalize off of the opportunity for a little assured sex from an attractive young woman is an outrage, sir, and I am deeply offended by your insensativity when it comes to supporting the living of these hard working, liberated women.

Russ Cole

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

hey! i'm a happily married guy! i just happened to be unsupervised on that trip. but i try to be a Good Husband when I'm away unsupervised.

I had lots of fun on that trip! Berlin kicks ass! Thomas Mann stayed in my hotel, the Savoy!

Are you suggesting you have to have sex whenever you drink? No wonder there are 6,000,000,000 people on Earth!

Blogger Mamagiggle said...

He's pinnacle of virtue, to that I can attest!

Blogger Bob Merkin said...

I've never seen a phrase that reeks more heavily of Sullivan and Gilbert, but I Googled and all I got back was stuff about Mohammed. If I was right, can you send me a URL, preferably with a MIDI?

I've also tried to click on that link and that URL Russ Cole / Edward r Cole left, and to make communication with him, Bill Gates is demanding I join MSN (which I've probably done 4 times but can't remember my Silly Name and password). So I have no idea what kind of website he runs. Maybe it's a Paean to Married Guys goin out of town, gettin drunk, and having sex with strangers -- you know, like an Adultery Homage Site.

I *am* a Pinnacle of Virtue. And I myself have said it. And it's greatly to my credit.

When "Lady Chatterly's Lover" was having its Ban This Dirty Book and Send Its Publishers to Gaol trial in London, the grand surviving figure of British literature, E.M. Forster, doddered into the witness box. 3 or 4 or 5 decades previously he'd been D.H. Lawrence's Young Lit buddy.

Forster verified that Lawrence did indeed believe in Everybody Having Lots of Sex With Everybody All The Time, and a variety of other somewhat shocking propositions.

Finally somebody -- I guess the Prosecutor -- said that obviously Lawrence had been a Very Immoral man.

Forster was dismayed. "Certainly not," he said (this is pretty close, pretend it's a real quote). "He was the most Moral man I ever knew. He was deeply moral. But it just wasn't *Christian* morality. Lawrence was a deeply moral Pagan."

I guess that was the right answer. The Jury acquitted Penguin Books, and junior high school boys in the UK were free again to look for Pages 51, 71, 122, 150 and 154.

Vleeptron also recommends "My Life and Loves" by Frank Harris -- "The Kind Junior High School Boys Like."


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